This is sort of an addendum to my previous post.
I was baptized into the LDS church when I was eight years old. I did not have a choice, because there was never any alternative given to me. I lived that religion for the next eight-twelve years, with varying degrees of participation. There were times where "The Spirit" moved me to tears. There were times I avoid going to church like it might kill me.
Not a day of my 26.5 years of life has not had the influence of TSCC (the so called church). The brainwashing I endured caused deep emotional trauma, damaged my ability to form/maintain relationships, and all in all sucked ass. This is the foundation I was given to build myself upon. Now -- I have done a kickass job rising above the filth that surrounded my early years. I work hard to get it off and keep it off. Its never easy.
I formally resigned from the LDS religion at the age of 25. I thought it would mean that I was finally released from its clutches. That was bullshit. I will never be entirely free. It was an important step; the more who shove their disdain in the faces of so-called apostles and prophets, the more likely they are to doubt that their vitriol, lies, and hatred are respected or even accepted. But it didn't change the truth. I was raised in this religion. Most of my family still belongs to it. I currently live in a culture that is immersed in it. I can never resign from my past.
I can, however, arm myself with knowledge. The more I know about this "religion" the more I can fight against its influence. The more I can reject the controlling, abusive thought patterns and seek true happiness and peace. So I know a fucking shit ton about it. Because I'm definitely a fan of happiness and peace.
Unfortunately. Because of my "non-Mormon" status: tattooed, alcohol-consuming, curse word using, atheist/humanist/heathen/agnostic/google-worshipping, sex-positive and girl-boob-loving self --- many have "disqualified" any knowledge I may have. Despite being able to recite the Young Woman's theme or sing any hymn at the drop of the hat. Those who don't understand why John Dehlin fought so fucking hard against being excommunicated -- come talk to me. I've experienced the dismissal by mormons first hand. Mormons who decide they don't have to listen to a goddamn word you say (even when the words are THEIR OWN FUCKING SCRIPTURAL DOCTRINE) because they are mormon and you are "not." Whatever the hell that means. They can look me in the eye and tell me I don't know a thing. But I do. I know a thing. I know lots of things.
The only difference between me and a Mormon is that Mormons do things because they believe God said to do them -- I do things because I think they are the right thing to do.
My right thing? Sharing my truth. Speaking my knowledge, even when it can bite me in the ass. Don't you fucking dare dismiss me.
To digress. I'm 26. I'm not super skinny or super hot or super "cool" or whatever. For at least ten years, I've had sexual feelings for women. Its never really been a focus of my life, other than last summer for a brief period. Honestly -- for the most part I've felt like I missed my window. For the reasons above -- and I'm married to a man I love, and happy, but also have a lot of other emotional shit I've been dealing with. Anyway. This may be dumb, but I worry I'll never have a chance to explore that part of my life. Then I met someone recently. And it got me thinking that if my life had turned out differently, I might not be 26 and simply wondering if I will ever explore -- but be married or in a relationship with a woman. Or I might not be. Who the hell knows. I just wonder if I hadn't been raised in this cult... would I have leaned a different way? What would my path be like? Would I have been able to discover myself in that period of life when you are meant to discover yourself? For me, that time period was consumed with shedding off pre-conceived notions of life and love. By now? I've basically thrown out even the possibility of my bisexuality. I'm only questioning that now that I've met someone who reminds me of who I could have become. 26 and a half sometimes seems so old, but in reality I'm still young. Is there still something out there for me? Do I have a chance?
I also have been thinking about how "limiting" monogamy can be. Neither Jesse or I have really had much of a chance to experience all that much. It isn't fair to say -- this is all either of us get. So we don't say that. We say communicate, love, honesty, share. Yet non-monogamy seems so complicated. And when it comes down to it, there isn't anything in the world I would trade for being with him day after day, year after year. Cuddling, joking, crying, sexing, sleeping, knowing I have someone to come home to, taking care of each other. Not to mention our dog child. Still... I wonder... he wonders... we wonder...
"It takes more than fucking someone you don't know to keep yourself warm." ---
love,
lisapink
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