Guilt

Guilt. Aaargh. I am the QUEEN of self-guilt trips. I feel guilty about everything. Despite reminding myself (and having sweetiepie remind me) that its really okay, not a big deal, I'm doing the best I can --- I still like guilt trips. My most recent excursions:

Guilt Trip Numero Uno: $300

This is the amount I spent. On clothes. In one night. GUILT. Its a rare, rare, thing that I spluge. I am {generally} obsessed with saving money for mine and Jesse's cute future together. But every three or four months, I get an urge for new clothes... and this time I decided to buy quality jeans that will hopefully last awhile.

they. are. gorgeous. 

Or if not gorgeous, they certainly help me feel better about myself. And really, isn't that worth $300?? That's a pretty good justification, right!? Jesse also added his own justification for me, because he's sweet like that. He told me that I deserved it because I work longer hours at a (slightly) higher pay. That justification I should take advantage of while its still true! Since our goals involve him establishing a solid career so I can spend some time at home with our future babies, I'm sure the time will come where I'm adding little to our income. 

Guilt Trip Numero Dos: Babies

Speaking of babies... My sister showed me a path to another guilt trip I could throw myself into by reminding me I really need to visit my nieces/nephews more. She's right. Especially since

I adore this cutie patootie!

they. are. so. cute. 

And also because I love them so so so much. But despite her only living 25 minutes away (she thinks its 15. google disagrees. also, that's 50 minutes round trip), there really doesn't seem to be time to do so. Certainly not after an 8 hour (give or give a couple hours). And then weekends! Bah. Weekends are for catching up on all the sleep, cleaning, grocery shopping, bill-paying, and more work you didn't get to during the week. 

And as much as I miss them... sometimes its hard to get those cute little hugs and kisses... when it'll be years before I have little ones of my own to cuddle and kiss. Not that I want to rush that. I definitely know I'm not ready yet to dedicate 100% of my life to a sweet little child. But I know I will be ready, and I know that it will be 100% worth it. I just have to be patient...

Guilt Trip Numero Tres: Walks

For over two weeks, Jesse and I took walk/jogs around the neighborhood 3-4 times a week. I would put on my running shoes, tell myself YOU. CAN. DO. THIS. and be off like a turtle on wheels. And then *poof* motivation GONE. Its Thursday and I haven't gone once. Not once! Gah. What a disappointment. I suppose I just need to jump back in. 

I'll do that tomorrow. 

love,

lisapink

P.S. the word "guilt" looks so weird now... 

Decision #1

The barrage of wedding choices have begun, and I have officially made my first decision: WEDDING COLORS!

Pink and teal! Black will also make an appearance (my bridesmaid dresses will definitely be black), with perhaps an accent of silver.

Unless I change my mind. Which is a definite possibility. But I have a good feeling about this. I always knew there would be pink (quite obviously) but the teal is a nice addition. Also I'm only 80% sure about the shade of pink shown above (called watermelon for some ridiculous reason; watermelon is red). But that's a detail that can be worked out later.

I also started on a fabulous site called Pinterest shown to me by my sister (visit her blog, Confessions of a Slacker Mom). Its a site people can "pin" sites/images they absolutely love, and others can repin on their own boards. I think its going to be fantastic as I plan my wedding. Whenever I stumble across an interesting idea/venue/photographer/cake/theme/anythingweddingrelated, I'll be able to throw it on my wedding pin board and relate back to that website later. Much easier than trying to keep track of the photos or websites individually!

In addition to my wedding pin board, I also created an "inspiration" pin board. I spent a lot of time tonight throwing cute, inspirational, feel-good quotes on there. Its fantastic! Eventually I want to have a real inspiration wall in my room as a daily reminder that life is good, I am strong and beautiful, and with love I can do anything. I've struggled with a healthy self-esteem since I was a teen. And while its better than it has been in years, I know it could still use some improving. Focusing on the positive in life and in myself makes a tangible difference to my days and my overall well-being. To do that, I often have to compliment myself extravagantly. Ha ha. Its kind of weird and vain sounding, but you know what? Why not fully admit the good qualities you do have? Modesty is good and all, but realizing your true worth is infinitely better. Also, telling myself I'm a good, kind, beautiful person actually helps me be more of a good, kind, beautiful person. So really, I think all the self-flattery is justifiable.

Seriously though. It is. Especially since women in general have a serious tendency to focus on flaws. And life is too short to waste on worries and flaws. Love yourself, and you'll love life. 

Okay enough preaching! The rest of my day wasn't too eventful. Jesse worked, so I spent a lazy day reading and napping. I did attempt to go out and take some photos (I haven't done that in far too long!) but couldn't find anything that really struck my creative side. Although I did seriously consider climbing a fence to a fantastic-looking abandoned building... :)

Oh! And tonight Jesse and I took an "are you ready for marriage?" questionnaire that was actually put together by BYU. Our LDS families should be pleased to know that according to their study, YES, we are ready! We both reported good communication skills and high level of relationship satisfaction. Which didn't come as any surprise. But it was fun anyway!

love,
lisapink

Whore Devores

Babykins and I started looking at wedding venues last night. I am completely overwhelmed by all the choices out there! But also excited. So far I've been thinking an intimate outdoor wedding. I'd like it to be August of next year, so I can count on the weather being warm (but slightly cooler in the evening). There are a couple nice places we've found, but they're fairly pricey so we're still thinking. One of these days we'll need to take off work and go look at them. Fun!

We were looking at a buffet menu at one location, and Jesse commented that it looked like they had some tasty whore devores. I looked at him, trying to see if he was joking. Then I asked, "You mean hors d'oeuvres?" Apparently he had never connected the pronunciation of the word with the (rather strange) french spelling. It was hilarious. Apparently he doesn't know everything in the world! I always thought he did!

After finding a couple potential wedding venues to look at, Jesse decided he wanted to start our wedding playlist. I'm not surprised that is the first thing that really interests him, with his love of music! He found several songs he wanted to add to our list. They were all super adorable! Some of the songs he was singing to me as we listened to them. Ah! He's so sweet. One was called "Luckiest" by Ben Folds. Its perfect for us, because both of us completely believe we're the lucky ones.

The weather is turning colder, which I am not looking forward to! I hate winter. I also hate that Jesse and I won't be able to take our night walks together anymore. We're going to get a gym membership so we can keep excerising, but it won't be as fun without him. What is?

love,
lisapink

Engaged!

WE'RE ENGAGED!!!

HE PROPOSED!!!

I'M MARRYING THE MOST WONDERFUL MAN IN THE WORLD!!!

Just a little excited. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! Okay maybe more than a little! 

JESSE IS NOW MY FIANCE! 

Jesse and I have been talking about marriage for quite some time now. I knew that this sweet, caring, hilarious, intelligent, amazing man was the one who would be by my side my entire life, holding my hand. I knew he would be the one to take care of me, to be by my side as we raise our children and weather the storms of life. How could it not be him? It was he who helped me realize my potential, who helped me believe and love myself.With him, I found myself and along with that found the true meaning of love. 

A couple months ago (Jesse thinks it was a couple weeks, but I definitely know it was longer than that!) we happened to come across a pretty and inexpensive ring. I told him that was the one I wanted! But I told him I didn't want to know when he bought it, because then I would be too anxious, waiting for him to propose. So a couple weeks went by, and he told me that he went back to buy it and it was gone. I was disappointed, but he was going to try looking for it again. A few more weeks went by (sooo slowly!) and I didn't hear anything. I had a suspicion he had bought it, by he was so darned mysterious I couldn't tell! 

Then TWO weeks ago, he ALMOST proposed! Apparently he had the whole thing planned out, but I got really sick and couldn't go on the date he had planned out. I figured I had missed the proposal and was so disappointed! So I waited again... and waited... 

Earlier this week I suggested that we should go to the fair on Sunday. He agreed, and said that maybe we could go to dinner after. I really thought he would propose. I thought I had heard him say something about a plan for Sunday. But Sunday came and he was so CASUAL about everything! He didn't have a specific time in mind to go to the fair, and when I asked him where we should go to dinner, he gave me a couple options. We went to the fair and had a lovely time, though I never stopped thinking that he might propose any second! Nothing. 

We then decided to go to Macaroni Grill for dinner. We have gone there for several "special" dates, and when we got there it was romantic and practically empty. I thought, a perfect setting! The entire meal he kept telling me how much he loved me, how beautiful I was, and kept kissing me. He also kept secretively texting his brother. I thought, okay, this is it! Any second! I thought maybe his family was nearby or something. So the meal progressed... no proposal...and then it was over! And we left! And nothing happened! 

In the car, I casually asked him if there was something ELSE he'd like to do. In the back of my mind I was thinking he would want to go somewhere. But he just said, let's just go home. I started steeling myself for more disappointment. In fact, I started planning the conversation we would get when we got home. "That was the most romantic day and you didn't propose! Are you kidding me!" 

When we arrived home, he was acting a little strange but I didn't want to get my hopes up. We walking into the dark apartment, and then he turned on the light. 

Immediately, my eyes filled with tears. He then began lighting the candles and listing reasons he loved me. "I love the way you smile, the way you laugh, the way you get so excited when we get to cuddle, how you're going to be such a great mom, how you are so good at wrapping your mind around problems and solving them, how beautiful you are..." He then picked up the ring from the table, knelt down, and asked me to marry him. 

YES! 

He put the ring on my finger and I just started crying and hugging and kissing him! Then I looked him and said, WE'RE ENGAGED! And I believe that's the moment I started jumping up and down and giggling. He laughed with me and we kissed again. I looked at the ring and realized it wasn't the one I had picked out. He said he had found a different one since the one I had chosen wasn't available. He was about to suggest that we could return or exchange it when I told him how beautiful it was! 

And the best part is, it was really inexpensive! We had discussed starting out with this, and then once we get married (or perhaps even on our one year anniversary) upgrading to something more extravagant once we've built up more savings. I knew we could have just waited a little while longer to get engaged and bought a nice ring now, but I REALLY did not want to wait too much longer to be his fiance! 

After that, we called our families and told them. They were (of course) all very excited for us. I'm looking forward to being part of his family; they've all been wonderful to me! Hopefully he is also looking forward to being a part of my family! (I think he is; luckily he doesn't get scared easily! ha ha)

And now I get to start planning our wedding! We are planning on getting married August 2012. Unless I can't wait that long. But knowing me, I'm sure I'll get stressed with the thousands of details that go into planning a wedding, so I think the more time the better! 

I am the happiest girl in the world. I am so lucky to have a strong, trustworthy, smart man to have as my husband. We are going to make the best little family!

I love you Jesse. Thank you for everything you are. You are completely amazing, and I am so excited to have the rest of my life to be with you. I love you! 

love,
lisapink 

I Need Advice

I love my life. I have a highly supportive/caring boyfriend, a decent job, a nice place to live, and I'm emotionally and financially stable. These are all things I've worked hard to obtain and am proud of myself for achieving. But something is missing. Friendship. Throughout my life, I've had a tendency to burn friendships when times get hard or when things aren't to my liking. I could probably name a half a dozen times I've done this. And at the time I thought I had reason, but time and time again I see it was my own emotional blocks shoving those who cared out of my life. But I want to change. I want to find friends. Just people who I can hang out with, talk to, do things with. And preferably people who would like to also hang out with Jesse. He and I love going out to dinner, to a movie, exploring downtown, going to concerts, camping, or a variety of other activities. And while we don't mind doing those things just on our own, it'd be nice to mix it up once and awhile with a few other people to joke and talk with.

So here's my problem. The only two places I have ever really found friends in my life is church and school. Well, I'm not attending a church of any kind (and that's not likely to change in the near future). And I'm not attending school right now (I'd like to at some point, but Jesse's schooling takes priority currently). So where does that leave me? It also doesn't help that I'm living in a city where even after several years I don't know too many people.

So the question is... Where does one find friends???