chapters

They say life is made up of chapters. Starting and ending, unfolding in a way we can never predict. If that's the case, I'm not sure what this chapter of my life is meant to be. It feels very long... and very blank. Page after page of wordless paper. Am I holding the pen above the paper, refusing to write? Or am I writing and writing but the ink has gone dry? Gouging the paper, leaving nothing but vague impressions, impossible to read. The pointlessness is painful.

What do I want my chapter to say? And if there's nothing for me to write here, what do I want my next chapter to be?

I know I'm not meant to keep my soul to myself. I need it out in the world, connecting with others. I need to know it is valuable for what it is, and for what it is not. And I want to find a way to show the world the value of the souls of others. In our human existence, the only story we ever truly understand is our own... but is there a way to show a sentence, a paragraph, a chapter of someone else's soul?

I want these words to matter... to be real... I want to ink the world...

love,
lisapink

POlyEM

you entering commanding
me curled quiet
you flying searching soaring
me warm still soft
I'm not heat of the moment
You're not heart reaching out
solid secure
free to be reckless to fall
a look a touch a thrill
your confident flaws
my insecure strengths
partners dissimilar paths
taken together love
               happiness
                  pleasure
              excitement
           contentment
I laugh at freedoms unknown to others
we kiss.
her. us. you. them. all.

love,
lisapink

little life updates

I thought it was funny that very soon after talking to my mother about our plans to move she suddenly finds a renewed interest in going to therapy together. Because, this is some dramatic moment she can feed off. I told her I was fine the way things were. She said, well I know I am.

Yeah. She is. She doesn't talk to me. Doesn't have an interest in me. Would still never support me if it had the slightest hint of non-lds standards. But she's in control. I'm not not talking to her. So she's fine.

Besides, she's got her new daughter. And still can't fathom why I won't accept her as my sister.

But I can laugh now. It took a long time to heal from losing my belief in a mother's love. But I did. I just love myself double now.

Because I'm fucking awesome.

love,
lisapink

RASPBERRY ON THE FERRY

God I fucking miss trees. It's getting better. I can actually see the sky some days. There were several weeks where my life was oppressive darkness caving around me. This is the worst winter in my memory. And I think also just factually in my lifetime in Logan. Is this karma for wanting to move?

The job search is going horribly slow.

I had a foursome. Sorta? I don't know what qualifiers there need to be but four naked people in a bed sounds good enough for me.

I had a first date tonight? I dunno. I'm so bad at this!! I haven't even really thought about it much but now I'm listening to music wishing I had a girlfriend to snuggle and kiss and laugh and play with her hair and watch dumb movies.

But also dating is hard!!! I like my cozy family and my cozy life and sitting on the couch in my comfy clothes drinking too much and watching Netflix.

Can my sexuality be cuddles?

love,
lisapink

one way mirror

I am still closed. I am still vulnerable. I am still afraid.

It's normal to have problems. I know that. I don't believe it. I don't know. Is it normal? Is it okay? Or is everything I believe a lie?

It's happened before.

How can I be sure of anything?

I'm not doing good. I'm not. Not tonight. I can't tonight.

love,
lisapink