Gay bounce - to my understanding - is when someone starts identifying/coming out as gay/queer/lesbian whatever - and they tend to "overcompensate" a bit by leaning towards or obsessing over more "stereotypical" "gay" behavior. I'm putting in lots of quotation marks because what the hell do I know. But anyway.
Last June gay marriage was ruled legal in the US by the Supreme Court. I was at (my super conservative) work when I found out. I literally started jumping up and down and squealing. I, like many other people, had been hoping and expecting this day to come for years. I was so excited and felt such a strange sense of victory and community, that the moment I went on lunch break I decided to come out as bisexual. Publicly. On Facebook. Prior to that moment, only my husband knew I definitely identified as bisexual. There were a couple others that maybe knew I was attracted to girls, or at least appreciated their looks. But I had never really told another person. Before I posted on Facebook, I felt like I should discuss it with Jesse first - but when he didn't answer after multiple calls and texts, I just decided to do it and sent another text telling him I would take it down if he would like me to. Of course, he was totally fine with it.
Honestly - my Facebook posting didn't get a ton of attention. I spoke to a few people who were supportive and maybe a little hurt I hadn't told them before. My mom was "hurt" as well but mostly decided to just dismiss it as "unimportant" (after all, I had married a man, right? that erases it, right?). I was "a few month's shy of my" 26 birthday. (You are welcome for that reference. Literally, it was one month before my birthday though.)
I've known I was sexually attracted to women since I was 17. I talked about with a(n asshole) boyfriend around that age (he'd alternate between calling it "sexy" and calling it a sin, what a peach). Jesse has known since before we even started dating. I didn't identify as bisexual until I was probably 23 or so. And yes, by that time I was (happily) married and didn't give it much thought outside of some fantasies.
Coincidentally, amazingly, surprisingly: within a week or so of "coming out" I kissed a girl for the first time. I had never met this girl before, we weren't Facebook friends, she had no clue I had just come out. We were just talking, porn was brought up, I mentioned some of my interests... Okay, maybe it wasn't super coincidental. Before I came out I probably wouldn't have had the courage to be so bold.
Within a few short months, I had "proven" (if you really need to do such a thing) that I was DEFINITELY into girls. And I. Was. Ob. Sessed. I chopped my hair off. I got a second piercing (its related, don't ask me how). I created a Kik and OkCupid account. I was posting on various forums. I went to a strip club (okay I'd done that already) and spent waaaaaaay too much (those lap dances tho). I'd planned out my next tattoo - a bisexual themed one (which I'm still getting, fuck it). I had picked up coloring books as a new hobby and somehow my color schemes always turned to pink-purple-blue or sometimes just rainbow. There are definitely SEVERAL blog posts about it (and yet, here is another one!). I dunno, it was all I could think of! And honestly? It was a super exciting time in my life. I had HELLA fun. I don't feel my personality changed all that much, other than being more open/forward. Definitely have had some sexually forward moments. But it was really, really amazing. And the most amazing part was realizing I wasn't alone. That a girl being into girls -- even when you're in a committed relationship with a man -- is pretty common. I felt such a beautiful sense of validation, belonging.
Of course, it didn't last forever. My exploration slowed down. I dunno if it was by choice or circumstance or coincidence, but it did. I've settled back into my normal self - maybe with some more gay references, maybe still dreaming of beautiful boobs. And I think in some ways I have more confidence in myself.
I miss the craziness of my bisexual bounce. But it wasn't all easy. It did come with its own set of insecurities and issues. Jesse has supported me every step of the way and we are committed to loving each other every day. But that doesn't mean it doesn't take work, hard work; our relationship is going to change out of necessity - I am a different person than I was last year, and so is he. We are closer than ever, but also we now have to be more careful about how we balance each other out. What I focus is on is that my happiness is important to him, and his happiness is important to me. It takes work and sacrifice and understanding.
I need Jesse: emotionally, sexually, mentally, down to my soul. I also need to experience every aspect life has to offer me.
In some ways, I have it pretty fucking good.
love,
lisapink(purpleblue)
p.s. anytime I have the opportunity bounce back I am so totally ready.
p.s. anytime I have the opportunity bounce back I am so totally ready.
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