Kathleen Kelly

Too many thoughts to even put in to words. It's actually quite rare for me. I've been feeling hopeless. Is there any reason to believe the future will be any different from the past?

"I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around?" - You've Got Mail

I can't always tell if it's been valuable. How could you measure that? My own measurements always fall short. I've tried to be brave. But I've never managed to be big. I've never lived life fearlessly. And it's the only life I have. Why do I wait to be validated, to have love proven to me, to know the outcome before I leap? I spend so much time worrying, questioning, staying safe within my fear. Isn't that what I fought to break free of?

I want to let go of everything keeping me in my smallness. Yet somehow it doesn't feel possible. Not all ties are our own making.

Ignore this last bit.

love,
lisapink

The numbers scroll by in a familiar, comforting wave. Ten days, complete the Registration. Two months, end friendship with Gresham. One year, forty-six days, meet Turi. One year, eighty-five days, fall in love with Turi. Four years from now, we will be mothers as I lead the Xontinuum into its next era of knowledge. The Past. The Numbers show there is no longer wishes and longings; all will be fulfilled and all will be best. I smile and close my eyes. Then a tug of the lips downward. I can't explain it. The area beneath my breastbone has that off feeling again, as if something in there has been reduced. I think of Turi and its almost as if one year won't be soon enough. As if it'll be.... Too late? It doesn't make sense and I grasp my Adhesion tighter to my chest. There's no such thing as too late when I have my entire future written out in my hands, down to the second. Life is always on time.