We're at nearly ten months of living here, and in some ways, I am lonelier than ever before. The only upside is that I'm fairly accustomed to being lonely. If you can call drinking every night -- even though you don't even want to -- just to be numb to the passage of time -- being accustomed.
I tend towards black and white thinking, towards extremes and "always" and "nevers." I know that about myself. Yet I can't help but feel that moving to Austin has been as wonderful as it has been terrible. Its both the greatest and worst decision of my life. It has been the biggest adventure and yet such a challenge. Is this the reality? Or just my in-the-moment perception?
Speaking of uncertain realities... I've been clinging to this hope that I would be able to turn my life around, to tip the balance towards being happy, if it weren't for my medication. When I started meds back in 2014, I was doubtful -- they didn't help much in my turmoil filled teens. But I stuck with it, and I had an amazing doctor who worked with me, and after a long process found a balance that really seemed to work. They didn't make my life perfect, of course, but I felt I had a better footing. But after moving, my new doctor sent me back to square one. No, he sent me to about a negative five. I've spent the last three months of my life sleeping, roughly, 12-15 hours a day. Turns out the medication he prescribed has some intense (very well-known) side effects that he failed to mention. But I'm still on them, because no professional who actually knows how to prescribe meds will call me back. And if I don't take them, I just spend 12-15 hours a day crying instead. Maybe a slight exaggeration. But its not pretty.
Its an incredibly suffocating feeling, trying to choose between emotional stability and, you know, being conscious. I want to do things to improve my life. I'm just so goddamn tired.
Even if that weren't holding me back, I'm not sure I would be any better off. I know that I'm not happy with where I'm at in my life. The issue is, I don't know where I want to be in my life. I don't know what I want from my life. I've spent so long focused on taking one it step at a time, and now all the steps have been taken and I'm stumbling on even ground. What next? What do I want? Who do I want to be? Even if I knew what I wanted, would it be attainable? Why do I feel so incomplete?
People. I need people. If three years with Kent taught me anything, its that people are vital to my well-being. And here I am, 1300 miles from home, relatively people-less. Family-less. Loneliness. And I just don't know what to do about it. I feel overwhelmed by the intensity of the need. Powerless to fight it. Terrified to try. Who am I to put that need on others? Who am I to ask them to care about me, my life, my feelings? What do I bring to the table? Do I leave others better off, or do they leave me regretting time they wasted? Is my worthlessness real or imagined? If I can't answer it, why should I expect anyone else to?
love,
lisapink
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