self-medicate

Beige oval pill, before I go to work

Small white pill, morning and night

These will help me feel better.

Too many times I couldn't breathe

But not so many, since beige.

Only beige also brings me down

Down to the dark, to the empty

To the let this moment be my last.

Bring in white, to add a little color

Not as down, not as dark.

Three a day, don't run out

Don't forget

Or you suffocate

Or you drown

By the time the sun comes back around.

Punished for yesterday's mistakes.

But lets say I don't forget

Still not enough

Drag myself out of bed

Try to care as little as possible

About hair, makeup, clothes.

Leave the safety of home

Enter an alternate reality.

Hello! Caring, funny, sharing

Helpful, dedicated, innovative.

I'm happy, I have it together, I'm on,

I'm me? 

Yes -- but also no. Not me. 

Work me. 

Every joke a tool to smile

Every laugh I get a lifeline

Every task accomplished a victory.

I had a good day

But its still not enough 

Drive home, comfy pants

I smell dinner.

Crash. I'm tired. Emotionally Exhausted. 

So many hours, so much effort

Now I feel the ups, the downs, the everything.

Slide under a warm blanket

Don't face the feelings

Slip into quiet and forget.

Lets say I wake up refreshed

Its still not enough

Hours stretch ahead of me

An evening to fill, to waste

No money, no friends, no plans.

I'm ready to feel. 

The only way I know how

Two-thirds can Black Cherry Fresca

I won't admit how many ounces

Malibu Mango Rum.

MMMmmmmmm.... melt

I smile

I feel

wonderful! 

I watch TV, happily

I might blog, might color, might read

I pet Jesse's face, give him a kiss

I love everything.

That was Monday

How long until Friday?

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Beige pill, white pill,

happy Lisa, tired Lisa, drunk Lisa

and white pill. 

All accomplishing the same goal

Get through another moment

day, week, month.

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Still not enough

Can I press pause? 

Can I fast forward? 

Still not enough

I'm sorry I can't be happy.

I treat the symptoms

Because I can't find the cause.

Its too invisible

For anyone to see but

I always know its there. 

Please don't judge

Please don't take this away. 

Please don't think you understand.

I don't understand.

love,

lisapink

do you ever wish you lived in a painting?

eight busy days

My last eight days... in reverse chronological order. 

• 1/27 - Wednesday Jesse and I watched my two nephews and my niece while my sister and her husband went to dinner for his birthday. When they came home, we had cake and ice cream with them. I got "home" about 9 or 9:30. 
• 1/26 - Tuesday I called in late to work..... NOT because I was hungover but because I was completely exhausted (see below). People were pissed but I don't care. Well, I do. After work I went to my boss's house for a girl's night with some people from work. It was so much fun!! We played Telestrations After Dark (new fave game) and laughed so hard we were all red-faced. Then we got even drunker and talked/talked/talked/talked. These girls are seriously amazing. Katie and Maddy are moving away soon and I am going to miss the hell out of them. When Jesse came and picked me up (I was so happy to see him lol), I talked non-stop on the twenty minute drive home about every awesome detail I could remember. I got home about 12:30. Yes - I got completely drunk two work nights in a row. (But on Wednesday I showed up at my normal time for work.)
• 1/25 - Monday I left work at 4:00 with Jesse to go to Park City/Sundance to see my brother. He was receiving an award from WISFF and we were able to see him presented with that. Later we went to an "after party" where they took a billion pictures of him. Then we went on an unintentional pub crawl lol. I love spending time with him; we've gotten so close in the past year and it just feels awesome to have family I can truly be myself with and connect with. Park City was crazy so Jesse and I didn't hit the road back until 2 a.m. I got home at 4 a.m. 
• 1/24 - Sunday was fairly chill; my sister helped us clean/organize/unpack our apartment. Later that night we went shopping, buying and ice cream cake for my niece's birthday and watched her open presents. She's 14!!!
• 1/23 - Saturday morning I was able to sleep in; which was good because I wasn't feeling very well. Then that afternoon I helped watch my niece/nephews and also helped get everything ready for my niece's birthday. When her guests arrived, her parents went upstairs so she could have a "cool" party, and I stayed to play host and make sure the party didn't die out lol. It was actually kind of fun. Mostly I just watched them sing Karaoke (very painful experience) but I also conducted some games and tried to get awkward middle schooler's out of their shells. 
• I realized I just really like parties. I used to have them all the time growing up when I had a big group of friends, and I always planned/hosted the entire thing. Like, from the time I was about ten or so. I basically would just tell my mom what I needed. Its interesting because normally I don't like being at the center of attention, but I think I do while hosting parties because 1. then everything is (kinda) in my control and 2. I have to be social and outgoing to make sure that everyone is having a good time. I don't worry as much that they won't like me, because I'm too busy taking care of them!
• 1/22 - Friday I got off early from work and Jesse and I went down to SLC. We went to Outback Steakhouse with his family for his mom's birthday. It was really yummy! I had chicken, of course - I don't do steak. After that, we visited some places we miss - B&N and Target! I now have the paperback boxed set of The Hunger Games ♥. Target... we spent like $300 in 1.5 hours!!! We got clothes for Jesse, new shoes for both of us, a couple random items we've been meaning to purchase, and... Crayola colored pencils, 50 colors. I bought FOUR boxes (two were Christmas gift additions to the coloring books I had given, one was for my nephew who has been sharing with his sister, and one... I'll find a use for that one). I was so excited, because pretty much every other store in the entire state is sold out of Crayola colored pencils and has been for months. My theory is that the coloring book's for adults trend took off so fast Crayola didn't step up production in time. You can't even buy them online. Its insane. Anyway, Then we went to Cheesecake Factory for dessert because why the fuck not. We got home about 2 a.m. I think. 
• I miss SLC. I lived there for six years, ages 18-24. SLC is where I became a person. Its where I became me. It was a very, very transitional time in my life. I found myself in those six years. And I will always love that city because of that. But also - I'm a city person. I need variety, I need convenience, I need options. I loved deciding I wanted to go to a movie at 10:00 at night and knowing some theater somewhere still had a showing I'd want to go to. I loved realizing the grocery store was out of my favorite whatever-whatever, so I'd go to the grocery store just down the street and find it there. I loved how fewer assumptions are made about people. I loved how diverse it was (comparatively, obviously). I loved that there were always bars/concerts/activities going on. Also I swear to god SLC had better park options than Logan. Did we still hang out at home a bunch and watch  TV? Yeah. But we didn't have to. Also: SLC drivers are WAY less frustrating than Logan drivers - when there are that many people on the road at any given time, you can't just make up whatever the hell rules you want. Not to mention I used to have a 10 mile commute that took 15 minutes and now I have an 8 mile commute that takes 20 minutes. 
• On a related note - Downtown by Macklemore is sooooo fun!!!
• 1/21 - Thursday I went to the gym after work... I can't remember what else I did that night. I possibly did some more party planning and prep for my niece's birthday party. 
• 1/20 - Wednesday I created an invite for my niece's birthday party and sent it to Walmart to be printed as a photo. Then I took her shopping for party supplies and picked up the invites so she could hand them out at school the next day. 

So. Its been pretty busy for me lately. Much busier than I prefer to be. Work gets me pretty burnt out; I think its the introverted part of me. I like quiet nights at home with Jesse and dog child, watching TV or coloring. But I've had a lot of really awesome stuff going that I wouldn't have missed for the world. Tonight - Thursday 1/28 - I just came home, ate dinner, took a nap, and now I'm blogging while Jesse does homework. Its a welcome break. But I need to get back at it and clean up the house - tomorrow I'm hanging out with a couple friends!

Pics or it didn't happen.

love,
lisapink

i've said it before and i'll say it again

This is sort of an addendum to my previous post.

I was baptized into the LDS church when I was eight years old. I did not have a choice, because there was never any alternative given to me. I lived that religion for the next eight-twelve years, with varying degrees of participation. There were times where "The Spirit" moved me to tears. There were times I avoid going to church like it might kill me.

Not a day of my 26.5 years of life has not had the influence of TSCC (the so called church). The brainwashing I endured caused deep emotional trauma, damaged my ability to form/maintain relationships, and all in all sucked ass. This is the foundation I was given to build myself upon. Now -- I have done a kickass job rising above the filth that surrounded my early years. I work hard to get it off and keep it off. Its never easy.

I formally resigned from the LDS religion at the age of 25. I thought it would mean that I was finally released from its clutches. That was bullshit. I will never be entirely free. It was an important step; the more who shove their disdain in the faces of so-called apostles and prophets, the more likely they are to doubt that their vitriol, lies, and hatred are respected or even accepted. But it didn't change the truth. I was raised in this religion. Most of my family still belongs to it. I currently live in a culture that is immersed in it. I can never resign from my past.

I can, however, arm myself with knowledge. The more I know about this "religion" the more I can fight against its influence. The more I can reject the controlling, abusive thought patterns and seek true happiness and peace. So I know a fucking shit ton about it. Because I'm definitely a fan of happiness and peace.

Unfortunately. Because of my "non-Mormon" status: tattooed, alcohol-consuming, curse word using, atheist/humanist/heathen/agnostic/google-worshipping, sex-positive and girl-boob-loving self --- many have "disqualified" any knowledge I may have. Despite being able to recite the Young Woman's theme or sing any hymn at the drop of the hat. Those who don't understand why John Dehlin fought so fucking hard against being excommunicated -- come talk to me. I've experienced the dismissal by mormons first hand. Mormons who decide they don't have to listen to a goddamn word you say (even when the words are THEIR OWN FUCKING SCRIPTURAL DOCTRINE) because they are mormon and you are "not." Whatever the hell that means. They can look me in the eye and tell me I don't know a thing. But I do. I know a thing. I know lots of things.

The only difference between me and a Mormon is that Mormons do things because they believe God said to do them -- I do things because I think they are the right thing to do.

My right thing? Sharing my truth. Speaking my knowledge, even when it can bite me in the ass. Don't you fucking dare dismiss me.


To digress. I'm 26. I'm not super skinny or super hot or super "cool" or whatever. For at least ten years, I've had sexual feelings for women. Its never really been a focus of my life, other than last summer for a brief period. Honestly -- for the most part I've felt like I missed my window. For the reasons above -- and I'm married to a man I love, and happy, but also have a lot of other emotional shit I've been dealing with. Anyway. This may be dumb, but I worry I'll never have a chance to explore that part of my life. Then I met someone recently. And it got me thinking that if my life had turned out differently, I might not be 26 and simply wondering if I will ever explore -- but be married or in a relationship with a woman. Or I might not be. Who the hell knows. I just wonder if I hadn't been raised in this cult... would I have leaned a different way? What would my path be like? Would I have been able to discover myself in that period of life when you are meant to discover yourself? For me, that time period was consumed with shedding off pre-conceived notions of life and love. By now? I've basically thrown out even the possibility of my bisexuality. I'm only questioning that now that I've met someone who reminds me of who I could have become. 26 and a half sometimes seems so old, but in reality I'm still young. Is there still something out there for me? Do I have a chance?

I also have been thinking about how "limiting" monogamy can be. Neither Jesse or I have really had much of a chance to experience all that much. It isn't fair to say -- this is all either of us get. So we don't say that. We say communicate, love, honesty, share. Yet non-monogamy seems so complicated. And when it comes down to it, there isn't anything in the world I would trade for being with him day after day, year after year. Cuddling, joking, crying, sexing, sleeping, knowing I have someone to come home to, taking care of each other. Not to mention our dog child. Still... I wonder... he wonders... we wonder...

"It takes more than fucking someone you don't know to keep yourself warm." ---

love,
lisapink

Pocket Opinions

Lately I've been experiencing a type of insecurity that is rare for me: feeling like people think I'm stupid. Maybe its not as much an insecurity as a anger. Because I don't think I'm stupid. Or I'm too stupid to realize it. But I feel that I get treated like I'm stupid more often than I feel is fair. And it really pisses me off.

Its more than obvious that I have a lot of opinions about a lot of different things. In fact, there are probably few topics that someone could mention that I could just say, meh, to.

I'm also -- for the most part -- not afraid to share my opinion. Okay, that's not true. Sharing my opinion is terrifying. Every time I consciously decide to share my opinion, my chest gets tight and my shoulders tense up. Honestly, it feels like preparing for battle. But I'm also not willing to stay silent, because my opinions are not some slapdash bullshit that spills off my tongue. I read a lot -- books, news articles, wikipedia, other people's opinions. I look things up just to learn more about them. I refer to Google as my God -- the closest I'll ever come to a omniscient being -- and probably cares about me just as much as any other god (maybe more -- Google did send me a Christmas present). I don't know everything. I do believe that all my reading has helped me to become a more logically inclined person. In fact, I think I often cling to logic because its so much safer and more comforting than the tumultuous emotions that are inherent in my personality.

I enjoy a good debate. Not an argument. Not a "well so-and-so said this so its true" match. A genuine, unbiased debate where the information presented is backed up by facts, not feelings. I'm willing to listen, consider, and research other opinion's presented. I'm willing to concede when I can see part of my argument isn't logically sound. And I expect others to have the same willingness. This is where things get ugly.

Sometimes other people expect me to submit to their opinion willingly, no matter how unfounded, no matter what my thoughts are on the subject. Sometimes other people seem to think that because I am expressing my opinion, I am obstinate, unpleasant, rude, "always wanting to get my way" and honestly -- I am treated as the quintessential "Bitch" that anti-feminists love to hate. I definitely feel that if I were a man, I would have much less push back. Even from other women. Sometimes especially other women. As I woman, I am always expected to be the one to "drop it" first. I have too much pride to submit, over and over again, to those telling me to shut up. All I want is to be heard. All I ask is for my voice to be considered. All I want is not to be disrespected. I don't want to be a Bitch.

I believe that I am smart. It is part of the meaning behind my tattoo. It is a quality that I highly value in myself, and in others. I do not appreciate being treated otherwise, with no basis for those judgments.

Why are discussions, debates, viewed so negatively in our culture?

Why do I let these things bother me?

Maybe it does come back to insecurity. I am not insecure about my intelligence, but I am insecure about what people think of me and needing people to like me. I try like hell not to care. But I always do. And all too often I dive for the "security" of doubting anyone likes me at all. The only thing I can think of to do is "prove" whatever point I'm making -- after all, if I'm right you can't dislike me for the truth -- or so the idealist part of me says. Unfortunately, reality bites ass.

dear mom... listen

I heard you are coming to Utah this weekend. I feel I am ready to meet with you and share in person some of my thoughts and feelings in regards to our relationship. If you have time, we could meet at Kneaders for about an hour to talk. It may be difficult to believe, but I do love you and I do want a relationship with you. But I don't want the relationship we've had in the past. I want one where I can be vulnerable, where I can share myself with you without fear. This is a big stepping stone for me, and what I will ask of you when we meet is to simply listen. I want to meet with my mother and find out what I would like to say to her in person. I have no intention of arguing with you or yelling at you. I would like the opportunity to share with you -- my mother -- where my heart is, where my head is, what I have been feeling these past many months. I would like to give you the opportunity to find out as well. To listen to me, to hear me, to understand me. That's all I ask of you right now. Just listen. Come see me. Give me a hug. Listen to what I have to say. And later, after you've had time to think it all over, we can discuss it more via email or something. You just listening to me, letting me share, will do more to show that your love is real and unconditional, than any other thing could right now.

Please let me know if you are interested and when you may be available to meet up. Thanks.

The reason I finally feel ready to simply have a conversation with her is that I have had a realization that is a game changer for me. For years, I've been begging her to accept me, to love me despite all she sees is flawed in me, to stop thinking of me as a "sinner" or misguided. I've been trying to change the fact that on a very real level, my mother sees herself as better than me. But the more I try to convince her to see me as an equal, the more I cement my place as inferior. That is over now. Now -- I am going to accept that she sees me as inferior. Because the truth is, I see her as inferior. Her behavior is often judgmental, manipulative, selfish. She belongs to a religion that is based on lies, intolerance, sexism. She staunchly defends her own faith as the "one true religion," discounting every other person's beliefs, morals, life choices. To me, these are morally corrupt behaviors. It is wrong to put any of your own personal beliefs on another person. It is wrong to try to tell anyone that there is only one right way to live your life. To me, the only moral code that needs to be followed is "don't be an asshole." And I do my best to follow that: not because I'm fearful of punishment or hopeful of reward by some omnipotent being, but because I believe all people deserve not to be treated like an asshole (kinda unless they are being an asshole to someone else). So I do believe that I am morally superior to my mother. And I still love her. Obviously its because I'm such a great person (ha ha). But seriously - I understand that my mother believes and feels differently than me, but she is still my mother. She still raised me. And I still love her. Because I truly can put those differences aside and focus on her as a person, on our relationship. And that's all I need her to do. I need her to recognize that both of us must set aside our moral differences in order to have a relationship. It isn't just her that feels the other's life would be improved if only they listened to us. Its both of us. That is what makes us equals. Our acceptance of each other is what will allow us to truly love one another. 


love,
lisapink

Fail

I can't. I'm too grumpy. I don't know if it's post holiday let down or just the fact that I have a million things I should do before going back to work tomorrow but I am so depressed. I don't want to get out of bed or move or do anything. I don't even want to do anything fun like go to a movie or color. Everything seems awful. I'm awful. Intense self loathing at my lack of doing things. Which is more depressing. Which makes me want to do things less.

I try, most the time. I push and push and fight and fight to get through each day. And then once and awhile I just.... Lose the fight. I am defeated.

And I'm letting Jesse down. And that's all he sees. How unfair I'm being. How I'm breaking promises to him. And I know that. But he doesn't see that I don't want to. I don't want any of this.

It's suffocating. All of it. I feel like because I fight, because I'm able to have good days, good weeks, the more punished I am for having bad days. The more it's seen as choosing to be irresponsible, to be lazy, to be selfish. I don't choose this. I blame myself for it. I hate myself for it more than anyone else could.

Please just go away.

love, 

lisapink