Fail

I can't. I'm too grumpy. I don't know if it's post holiday let down or just the fact that I have a million things I should do before going back to work tomorrow but I am so depressed. I don't want to get out of bed or move or do anything. I don't even want to do anything fun like go to a movie or color. Everything seems awful. I'm awful. Intense self loathing at my lack of doing things. Which is more depressing. Which makes me want to do things less.

I try, most the time. I push and push and fight and fight to get through each day. And then once and awhile I just.... Lose the fight. I am defeated.

And I'm letting Jesse down. And that's all he sees. How unfair I'm being. How I'm breaking promises to him. And I know that. But he doesn't see that I don't want to. I don't want any of this.

It's suffocating. All of it. I feel like because I fight, because I'm able to have good days, good weeks, the more punished I am for having bad days. The more it's seen as choosing to be irresponsible, to be lazy, to be selfish. I don't choose this. I blame myself for it. I hate myself for it more than anyone else could.

Please just go away.

love, 

lisapink