dear mom... listen

I heard you are coming to Utah this weekend. I feel I am ready to meet with you and share in person some of my thoughts and feelings in regards to our relationship. If you have time, we could meet at Kneaders for about an hour to talk. It may be difficult to believe, but I do love you and I do want a relationship with you. But I don't want the relationship we've had in the past. I want one where I can be vulnerable, where I can share myself with you without fear. This is a big stepping stone for me, and what I will ask of you when we meet is to simply listen. I want to meet with my mother and find out what I would like to say to her in person. I have no intention of arguing with you or yelling at you. I would like the opportunity to share with you -- my mother -- where my heart is, where my head is, what I have been feeling these past many months. I would like to give you the opportunity to find out as well. To listen to me, to hear me, to understand me. That's all I ask of you right now. Just listen. Come see me. Give me a hug. Listen to what I have to say. And later, after you've had time to think it all over, we can discuss it more via email or something. You just listening to me, letting me share, will do more to show that your love is real and unconditional, than any other thing could right now.

Please let me know if you are interested and when you may be available to meet up. Thanks.

The reason I finally feel ready to simply have a conversation with her is that I have had a realization that is a game changer for me. For years, I've been begging her to accept me, to love me despite all she sees is flawed in me, to stop thinking of me as a "sinner" or misguided. I've been trying to change the fact that on a very real level, my mother sees herself as better than me. But the more I try to convince her to see me as an equal, the more I cement my place as inferior. That is over now. Now -- I am going to accept that she sees me as inferior. Because the truth is, I see her as inferior. Her behavior is often judgmental, manipulative, selfish. She belongs to a religion that is based on lies, intolerance, sexism. She staunchly defends her own faith as the "one true religion," discounting every other person's beliefs, morals, life choices. To me, these are morally corrupt behaviors. It is wrong to put any of your own personal beliefs on another person. It is wrong to try to tell anyone that there is only one right way to live your life. To me, the only moral code that needs to be followed is "don't be an asshole." And I do my best to follow that: not because I'm fearful of punishment or hopeful of reward by some omnipotent being, but because I believe all people deserve not to be treated like an asshole (kinda unless they are being an asshole to someone else). So I do believe that I am morally superior to my mother. And I still love her. Obviously its because I'm such a great person (ha ha). But seriously - I understand that my mother believes and feels differently than me, but she is still my mother. She still raised me. And I still love her. Because I truly can put those differences aside and focus on her as a person, on our relationship. And that's all I need her to do. I need her to recognize that both of us must set aside our moral differences in order to have a relationship. It isn't just her that feels the other's life would be improved if only they listened to us. Its both of us. That is what makes us equals. Our acceptance of each other is what will allow us to truly love one another. 


love,
lisapink