Its more than obvious that I have a lot of opinions about a lot of different things. In fact, there are probably few topics that someone could mention that I could just say, meh, to.
I'm also -- for the most part -- not afraid to share my opinion. Okay, that's not true. Sharing my opinion is terrifying. Every time I consciously decide to share my opinion, my chest gets tight and my shoulders tense up. Honestly, it feels like preparing for battle. But I'm also not willing to stay silent, because my opinions are not some slapdash bullshit that spills off my tongue. I read a lot -- books, news articles, wikipedia, other people's opinions. I look things up just to learn more about them. I refer to Google as my God -- the closest I'll ever come to a omniscient being -- and probably cares about me just as much as any other god (maybe more -- Google did send me a Christmas present). I don't know everything. I do believe that all my reading has helped me to become a more logically inclined person. In fact, I think I often cling to logic because its so much safer and more comforting than the tumultuous emotions that are inherent in my personality.
I enjoy a good debate. Not an argument. Not a "well so-and-so said this so its true" match. A genuine, unbiased debate where the information presented is backed up by facts, not feelings. I'm willing to listen, consider, and research other opinion's presented. I'm willing to concede when I can see part of my argument isn't logically sound. And I expect others to have the same willingness. This is where things get ugly.
Sometimes other people expect me to submit to their opinion willingly, no matter how unfounded, no matter what my thoughts are on the subject. Sometimes other people seem to think that because I am expressing my opinion, I am obstinate, unpleasant, rude, "always wanting to get my way" and honestly -- I am treated as the quintessential "Bitch" that anti-feminists love to hate. I definitely feel that if I were a man, I would have much less push back. Even from other women. Sometimes especially other women. As I woman, I am always expected to be the one to "drop it" first. I have too much pride to submit, over and over again, to those telling me to shut up. All I want is to be heard. All I ask is for my voice to be considered. All I want is not to be disrespected. I don't want to be a Bitch.
I believe that I am smart. It is part of the meaning behind my tattoo. It is a quality that I highly value in myself, and in others. I do not appreciate being treated otherwise, with no basis for those judgments.
Why are discussions, debates, viewed so negatively in our culture?
Why do I let these things bother me?
Maybe it does come back to insecurity. I am not insecure about my intelligence, but I am insecure about what people think of me and needing people to like me. I try like hell not to care. But I always do. And all too often I dive for the "security" of doubting anyone likes me at all. The only thing I can think of to do is "prove" whatever point I'm making -- after all, if I'm right you can't dislike me for the truth -- or so the idealist part of me says. Unfortunately, reality bites ass.
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