self-medicate

Beige oval pill, before I go to work

Small white pill, morning and night

These will help me feel better.

Too many times I couldn't breathe

But not so many, since beige.

Only beige also brings me down

Down to the dark, to the empty

To the let this moment be my last.

Bring in white, to add a little color

Not as down, not as dark.

Three a day, don't run out

Don't forget

Or you suffocate

Or you drown

By the time the sun comes back around.

Punished for yesterday's mistakes.

But lets say I don't forget

Still not enough

Drag myself out of bed

Try to care as little as possible

About hair, makeup, clothes.

Leave the safety of home

Enter an alternate reality.

Hello! Caring, funny, sharing

Helpful, dedicated, innovative.

I'm happy, I have it together, I'm on,

I'm me? 

Yes -- but also no. Not me. 

Work me. 

Every joke a tool to smile

Every laugh I get a lifeline

Every task accomplished a victory.

I had a good day

But its still not enough 

Drive home, comfy pants

I smell dinner.

Crash. I'm tired. Emotionally Exhausted. 

So many hours, so much effort

Now I feel the ups, the downs, the everything.

Slide under a warm blanket

Don't face the feelings

Slip into quiet and forget.

Lets say I wake up refreshed

Its still not enough

Hours stretch ahead of me

An evening to fill, to waste

No money, no friends, no plans.

I'm ready to feel. 

The only way I know how

Two-thirds can Black Cherry Fresca

I won't admit how many ounces

Malibu Mango Rum.

MMMmmmmmm.... melt

I smile

I feel

wonderful! 

I watch TV, happily

I might blog, might color, might read

I pet Jesse's face, give him a kiss

I love everything.

That was Monday

How long until Friday?

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Beige pill, white pill,

happy Lisa, tired Lisa, drunk Lisa

and white pill. 

All accomplishing the same goal

Get through another moment

day, week, month.

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Still not enough

Can I press pause? 

Can I fast forward? 

Still not enough

I'm sorry I can't be happy.

I treat the symptoms

Because I can't find the cause.

Its too invisible

For anyone to see but

I always know its there. 

Please don't judge

Please don't take this away. 

Please don't think you understand.

I don't understand.

love,

lisapink

do you ever wish you lived in a painting?