love, lisapink: pink people person

Up until two days ago, I thought I was "anti-social." Honestly. I thought I was an introvert, who just sometimes felt like being around people. I like hanging out at home. I like napping. I like reading for hours in total silence. I like doing my own thing on my own time. Somehow I thought this meant I wasn't someone who craved connections with people.

Nope. I'm a people person.

Friends have always been a huge part of my life. When I look back at my childhood, my adolescence - its the people I remember. Bike riding with neighbor kids. Sleepovers with bffs. My huge group of friend's from the Beehive/Young Woman's days. My first crush. Shedding old friendships and forming new ones.

Then 2007 happened. 90% of the people in my life (on a semi-consistent basis) as of 2015 I have known since at least 2007. Is that fucking crazy? I've made many friendships since then; but I've lost almost as many. Seven years. There's been a lot of pain and loneliness in that time. I guess that's why, in the last seven years, I've convinced myself that I don't crave people in my life. Okay, you reading this blog -- that might seem ridiculous to you. Maybe from an outside perspective it is pretty fucking obvious that people are important to me. Did everyone know but me? I honestly had no clue.

I am a people person. A one hearted, sometimes horned, feet on the ground, pink people person.

Right now, I have a void I'm desperately searching to fill. One left by my family. No matter how I tough I think I am, my people person heart will always ache for those who have left it. God. Is it embarrassing to list the people who have left my life but never my heart? Do others keep an invisible collection of dusty names, pulling them out to cry over the grime whenever lonely desperation hits? What happened to this person? Why are they no longer in my life? Why do I still care? Was it my fault? Should I do something about it? Is it too late?

I regret: JIHO. KAWY. ASEL. MAFL. CABU. ABPE. TEANBE. CAKR. KASC. BROR. JUBR. CAOL. KENI.

And no person was more important than my mother. And I've done my damndest to do replace it. I'm beginning to think - trying to open my mind to the possibility - that I can never fulfill the void left by her -- by anyone but her. I hate it. I want to punch my pillow and scream at the sky. She doesn't DESERVE me in her life. But do I deserve to miss her forever? How do I allow her crazy in my life without letting it drag me down into her twisted reality? I'm clearly not there yet, not even close. But my therapist keeps bringing it up. He knows how pissed off I get whenever he does. He sees me with my crossed arms and angry scowl. I've been running this narrative in my head, telling myself he just doesn't understand how poisonous she is. And maybe he doesn't. But it doesn't really matter, does it? Because what he does see -- somehow, inexplicably, through all the rage and toughness and "over it"ness and stubbornness -- that I miss her. That my heart craves the family of my childhood. It won't ever go away. Denying it hasn't helped. I've tried, for months now. Maybe its time to stop and try to find a true solution. It wouldn't be easy. It would never, ever be easy. But have I ever gone the easy route?

Christmas is about family. I cling to what I have left. I mourn the family of my past. And then I turn on some Christmas music (I've made Jesse learn this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Omb94O8f_fw to sing in a round with me), look at the Christmas lights, and plan for the holidays. Gift giving, parties, yummy holiday foods (homemade hot chocolate, cheese balls, baked potato bar, scotcheroos, Terry's chocolate oranges), decorating a tree, watching Its a Wonderful Life -- I will celebrate it all with my family of the present and future.

YOU GUYS. I'M HAVING A SUPER-AWESOME CLASS-AS-FUCK COCKTAIL NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY.

YOU SHOULD COME. AND SO SHOULD YOUR FRIENDS. Because friends are important.