I love my husband. Sometimes I get super fucking annoyed with him. But I have never even dreamed of a person I'd rather spend my life with. Maybe Obama. I decided he's the JFK of my life. Fucking coolest hottest youngest president I may ever vote for.
I love my best friend. Her name is Chelsey but I only call her Chels or Babe. We've had hard times. We've seen each other through fucked up times. We will always love each other.
I love this hellish year I've gone through. It's been awhile since I've had to grow this much. Not since 2010 I think. I've cut contact with half my family. I've worked my ass off as leadership at a new job. I've had incredible experiences that have helped me define who I am - bisexual, loyal as fuck, "anti-Mormon", caring, stronger than ever before. I thought high school made me strong? Losing every friend i had made in my childhood, letting go of a long-term abusive boyfriend, breaking ties with girls who were my bridesmaids -- fuck. None of it compares to the searing emotions of the past twelve months. Good and bad. Listen: I'm a badass motherfucking cunt and I will own my life no matter what.
I love my new therapist. Sometimes he drives me nuts. Sometimes I know this is the guy that is going to save the emotional wreck that I am.
I love the goddamn siblings who I trust my heart to. Anna. Lance. Kevin. Michelle. They are my family and I would do anything for them. They freed me from the black sheep prison I was too afraid to break out of. They love me even if I bug them sometimes. The moment they broke out of the "family oriented church" they loved me more truly than my family ever had before.
Let me drop some fucking knowledge right now. My mom blames me for our lack of relationship. She's wrong. I am her family. She chose to create this family. She is the fucking matriarch of this family. It is 100% her responsibility to do everything she can to love and protect and care for and hold this family together. I did not choose her. I did not choose my siblings. I chose Jesse. I chose Lincoln. I chose to let Anna and Kevin into my heart. They are my family. My mother? I owe her nothing but what she gave me. And if she gave me rejection and revenge and bitterness, I owe her nothing more. She's getting old. She tries to camouflage this by adopting a young girl. But it's true. Soon she will have nothing but the family she created. And if she cannot accept half of her family for having opposite and yet just as strong beliefs: she will lose out. It is her that will be alone. I still have decades to make friends and family. My life is just beginning.
It's gonna be fucking awesome. I'm going to do things. I'm going to love people. I'm going to make a difference. I will never. Ever. Reject those I have chosen to love.
Except maybe I have. I should probably apologize to those people.
My puppy is laying on my lap. I've always wanted a lapdog. It only took two years to get here. He's a good example. I don't care what people think, he's my child. And he's an asshole and a terrible dog and someday I may lose him forever because of it. But I fucking love him. I will always love him, and he's mine, and I chose him, and I will do everything I possibly can to protect him. Because that's what being a mother means.
I have a new hobby. It's coloring. I love that coloring books for grown ups are now a "cool" thing to do. I love that I can do it while I watch TV to relax from work and shit in my life. I love that no one will ever care what it looks like but I fucking love how it turns out. It makes me happy. I've been doing it for weeks and I've only finished one page, started another but haven't got far. There's no pressure. And it makes me happy. It's dumb but it's me.
Here it is. My first page. The color schemes are important things in my life; things I love. Here are the schemes: bisexuality, politics, my favorite color combo that represents by girly love and my badass-ness, Lincoln, my love of the earth, my formative high school years, some other pretty colors, and me and Jesse's wedding colors surrounding it all.
If you can guess which is which I will literally take you out to dinner. Like I'll pay for you and not even mind if you order the most expensive entrée plus two cocktails. In fact I will encourage you to alcohol. That's just who I am. Godspeed.
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