fourteen

Okay, if a therapist is part psychic, is that how you know he's really good? 

My emotional development stopped at 14. Scared, awkward, hurt. 

When I see teenage girls - my nieces, especially - I want to fight for them and hug them and tell them its all going to be okay. I want to tell them I know exactly how they're feeling (even though I probably don't) and that they are awesome just the way they are. 

When I see myself, all I can see if flaws, mistakes. I'm fat, I'm stupid, I'm selfish, why did I say that, no one likes me, I'm going to fail. 

But I would never let anyone else say those types of things to a person - especially a girl just trying to figure it all out. And that's who I am inside. And that's how I need to treat myself. I need to love myself, be my own champion, protect myself, be my own mother. I've been searching for a mother's love. My own mother will never be able to give me what I need. No one can fill that role - except myself. I am capable of giving myself what I need. I'm taking back the power of a mother. My own has abused that power, hurt me with it, betrayed me time after time. I will not allow that to happen any longer - not by her or myself. There is nothing worse than being your own abuser - you are the one person you can't get away from. The one person that no one else can see is hurting you. 

I am beautiful. Kind. Loving. Intelligent. Strong. I am my own best friend. I am my everything. 

I felt so good about all of that last week. I felt like it was the perfect solution to my depression. But there's one little loophole: 

You're not always the only one saying bad stuff about you. Sometimes other people say bad stuff about you. Sometimes it might even be true. You can only love the good parts about yourself - what if you legitimately have some bad parts? You don't mean to have bad parts. Sometimes I just don't know how to cope and it comes out that way. Sometimes I can't get out of bed. Sometimes other people can't take care of me. Sometimes I'm self-conscious and sad and angry and it comes out in ways that hurt other people. And yes, its only because I'm hurting so very desperately myself. But they can't know that. And even if they do, it doesn't make it okay. 

I'm a black-and-white thinker. I shouldn't be, but its hard to change. So when I hear bad stuff about myself, over and over and over again, I can't help but feel there isn't any good left to love. 

I'll work on it, I guess. I don't know. 

love,

lisapink