in = equal = ity

I fucking did it.

Last week I stopped by Sailor Jim's and made an impulsive appointment. Today, it happened. It hurt. Either the back is more painful than the forearm, or if I just felt less pain when I could actually watch it happen. I like watching the process; its pretty fucking cool. Its definitely not an unbearable pain; just uncomfortable.

So what is it? I'm starting to plan how I will answer that question. What does it mean? What I say will beyond a doubt depend on the questioner. To the casual, the conservative, the unknown variable: I will give a reply about "equality" and, if pressed, "pride flags." Its the truth. What I may not tell them is that this specifically it is a symbol of my own bisexuality. Yes, I like men. Well, mostly I like Jesse. But I also like women. Of course, you know that already.

Although. The equality part of this tattoo is actually incredibly important to me. I'm sure in my brainwashed-crazy religious days there must've been a time that I "judged" or "looked down" on gay people. But I don't remember it. I do remember one day writing my "testimony" in a Book of Mormon and talking to my then-best friend Cassie about giving it to a gay friend of ours. But I didn't judge him. I didn't hate him. Of course, I also had a tiny crush on him. Everyone did. Luckily, I grew up

As an adult, I've become increasingly aware of inequality in this world. And also more aware of how sheltered and naive I am. I've never faced true discrimination. But I do my best not to be blind to it. Homophobia. Sexism. Worst of all, racism. Its real and it exists and every single one of us has an obligation to do what we can to stop it, to derail it. But what can I do? Who am I to say anything, what do I truly understand? All I know is that there are things in this country going on that are not right. And every moment I live in silence is a moment I can't be proud of.

Fucking Macklemore - Macklemore! - summed it up pretty well for me.



"The best thing white people can do is talk to each other.
And having those very difficult, very painful conversations with your parents, with your family members.
I think one of the critical questions for white people in this society is what are you willing to risk,
What are you willing to sacrifice to create a more just society?
Your silence is a luxury, hip-hop is not a luxury"

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stop the disgusting sentiments hidden so deeply within our culture. All I know is we can't allow the country's first black president to be followed by racism and hatred. We need a president who bases politics on love, on fighting for equality even when it is the "wrong" thing to do (as in, possibly illegal but totally the morally right call). I'm going to be doing some volunteering for Bernie Sanders this week. I'm going canvassing, maybe do some phone banking. I don't know if he'll win. Maybe not Utah, probably not the U.S. But the more we support Bernie, the more we let Hillary know that this is what we want. We don't give a fuck about Wall Street, we care about income inequality, about giving young middle-class American's the education they need to even have a shot at the American dream, about seeing people as human and not black/white/male/female. Maybe Hillary'll turn our back on us. But nothing - NOTHING - is worse than a out-and-out racist and fucking idiot like Trump. You know, back when I was a die-hard Obama supporter fighting tooth and nail against Romney - someone I saw as the epitome as evil since it combined my two lease favorite things (conservatism and Mormonism): I still wasn't ever the type to say, "if so-and-so wins, I'm moving to wherever!" But Trump? God I will die. I would rather die than live under a fascist like him. I will apply as a refugee to any goddamn country that will take me (Canada, you are freezing but thank you for being willing to take me in anyway).

I want this world to be better than the one I came into. I want my children (if I have any) to see less hate, more love, more acceptance, than I've grown up with.

On acceptance: there are at least three people in this world that I can tell anything to about my life and I know they won't judge me, they will see it as another detail that makes me the person they love. Possibly not something they agree with or are interested in, but no matter what I tell them, they love that is a part of me simply because it is part of who I am.

The people I know I can count on? Jesse. Anna. Chelsey.

There's probably more - people who fit this description but I'm too much of a fucking coward to truly test out.

But ultimately: every single person craves, more than anything else, this type of acceptance.

If you are reading this - and I hope you are - I will be that person for you. I will accept you. I will listen without judgement, criticism. Most of all, I will celebrate everything you tell me as proof that you are the most beautiful wonderful you that you can be.