beautiful.bright

I've felt like a different person these past few days. So free of the cloying anxiety that usually haunts my waking/sober hours. I had a chance to truly relax into being ME. I let go of the defense that has been building day by day. Being able to live a normal, daily life without constantly being pressured to conform is incredibly serene. For just a short time, the only person's expectations I had to live up to was my own. And it allowed me to set reasonable expectations for myself, to feel proud of my accomplishments (however small), to not be beset by guilt at every turn.

It was a shocking revelation that I could feel so differently. I've become numb to all that is demanded of me, the blood that is drawn from me over and over. Numb, but reacting imperceptibly. Tiny wounds to my soul, inflicted without notice and without cause. 

I realize now that in the past, I took for granted the joys and simple pleasures of being truly appreciated, of being looked at as someone worthy with a heart that loved and could be loved. Its such an integral expectation for day-to-day life, that it takes a long time to realize when a significant chunk of your existence is severely lacking in that area. 

Today the defenses have been slowly building back up, as hard as I tried to ignore it happening. Truthfully, I need them. I can't get by without them. But I am mourning the lightness, the hope, that is being replaced by a stiff backbone and a rock solid heart. I have to go back to the way it has to be. The thought makes me want to weep, want to die, want to give up. I won't. I won't be defeated. I will return stronger than ever for knowing how soft and sweet life can be. This isn't my forever. This isn't my true calling. One day, one day I will find it and I will be the only one who is not astounded at what I have accomplished.

One day I will live as free and wild and bold and passionately as I want. Never again to be diminished, to be forced to live as a muted version of the brightness that I am. And I will do all I can to help others to be their own beautiful brightness.

love,
lisapink