Blogging. It sounds great in concept for those who love to write, but so often it turns out so... not completed. I've made a decision. I'm done blogging. And I'm going to start blogging... for me. In other words, I'm going to turn my blog into a journal. Because at this point in my life, I think its something I need badly. And I think its easier to write for yourself than for others. So I'm not going to worry about how it sounds or how clever I am. I'm going to write what I feel. This may mean that my blog becomes private, at least partially so. This may mean that this is the last public post. Or maybe I'll just post what I want not worry about what anyone thinks or if people are reading or if they're not reading it. I guess I'll see.
Jesse and I married a little over four months ago. Married life for us didn't come with the big changes and struggles it seems to come with for most newlyweds. Basically, our life together has been just as wonderful as ever. He and I seem to have a relationship that is focused purely on our love for each other. And nothing can change or enhance that, not even a beautiful ceremony and the joy of being able to introduce him as my husband. I loved him before we married, and I love him now.
But I am less in love with myself. Over the past year, I've had some struggles that have eaten away at my personal happiness. I've let myself become dejected, unhappy, and anxious. I've allowed myself to slip back into thought pattern habits that I thought I worked myself out of years ago. As much as I desperately want to blame this on circumstances beyond my control, I've realized that its simply a matter of letting myself lose sight of who I am and how I want to live.
Who am I? I am strong, confident, and beautiful. How do I want to live? Like I believe those things. Like I love myself as much as I love the great man I married and the many awesome things that I have going for me in my life. I want my husband to be proud of me for being proud of myself.
I think journaling will be a good path to help me accomplish this. Its something I did intensively all through high school, and at times it was the only thing keeping me sane. Looking back now, I can see what a richly introspective experience this was. And I think I need a little introspection. I need it to help me to realize that though I've been hurt by others, its time to take responsibility for own reactions to life. I need it to help me remember that I was, at one time in my life, a very confident and self-satisfied person. I can be that person again, I think. It'll take some time, and it may be be a little painful, but I think I can find those things in me again.
I want more areas of my life to be as bright as my marriage.
love,
lisapink
I love that you're blogging/journaling again. I think journaling has kept ME sane, and on the other side of the counseling office. (most of the time!) I hope you're able to find some more peace, because you ARE a wonderful person. And just about anyone you know, recognizes that! So I'm glad you're going to keep working on it. Love ya!
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