Sources

Last night I was tossing and turning in bed, and as usual was having a hard time falling asleep. But last night I couldn't stop thinking how apathetic I've become about life... The last six months have been hard on me, and I've gradually lost or lost sight of many things that used to be sources of happiness for me. But I haven't let myself think about them as a whole, and so I haven't been able to be proactive in finding new sources of happiness. I've just been drifting along, pushing away the feelings, focusing on the day-to-day getting by, without exploring the emotions that are driving me. I used to be very introspective, and very determined to embrace self-evolution. I used to feel empowered by my own strength. Now, in an effort to evade a feeling of defeat, I feel nothing.

Sources of Happiness:

• I am married to a wonderful and loving man. We have a solid relationship built on mutual love, respect, desire, and  we sincerely want the best for each other.
• I have a well-paying job that allows Jesse to attend school, and allows us all the basic comforts of life: a nice (if small) apartment, a decent car, entertainment, and the ability to build savings for a bigger apartment and other comforts.
• I know Jesse and I are currently working towards our future. He's finishing up his associates degree, and will then just need a couple more years of schooling before he should be able to find a steady career. Once that happens, I can quit my job and we can start our family! I am so excited to be a mother.

Sources of Unhappiness:

• My job has become a stressful and frequently unhappy environment for me. I often feel unappreciated and even unwanted. After over three years of hard work and dedication, I feel like I'm no longer viewed as an asset. This is especially frustrating to me because I KNOW that while I am not perfect, I honestly am (no vanity here) one of the most important members of their staff. I am the one who always has and still does hold everything together.
• I know we are being responsible, but the longer we wait to start a family the harder it is on me. I want to be a mother. I want to raise our children. I see my nieces and nephews, and as much as I love them and they love me, I know its not the same.
• I've lost several friends and acquaintances over the years. Sometimes its due to "irreconcilable differences," sometimes I just feel like the relationship is too one sided (they want to be friends for what they can get out of it), and most recently due to Abbey causing drama around my wedding.
• I feel unable to connect with old friends, and unable to create new friends (including lack of opportunity and fear of being hurt, and possibly just some issues opening up to people? Who knows what that's about.).
• I think the real problem here is that I don't have friends, I no longer get satisfaction from my job, and I don't have the "fulfillment/purpose" that I feel would come from a child. So basically, I don't feel like I HAVE a purpose. And I don't mean a metaphorical "purpose in life" kinda thing... I just mean that I go home from a unsatisfying day at work, I eat dinner with my husband, and then... nothing. I don't have any real hobbies or anything to direct my mind to. Maybe part of it is that since Jesse is going to school, he is busy working on homework while I have nothing to work towards.

So what do I do? What can I do? I don't want to drift along anymore.

Possible Sources of Fulfillment

• Being physically active: Jesse and I need to start going to the gym regularly. No more excuses. But in addition to that, especially since what I need more than anything is to be proactive on my own, I'm asking for a Wii Fit Plus for Christmas (okay I actually picked it up today...). I know it won't replace the gym, but I think I should try to use it for at least 15-20 minutes a day. That's 20 minutes less I'm spending on the couch, and hopefully it'll get me into a habit of being physically active every day, which can then translate to working out more seriously and frequently. This is something that has a purpose, something that I can work towards. By the way, while I do need to lose weight, I don't feel comfortable making that my "goal." Mostly because that is overwhelming and therefore stressful and therefore will make me depressed. I also don't want to focus on losing weight because I tend to internalize that as "not pretty/needing to be perfect." So really my goal is a two-parter: having a positive self-image and being more physically healthy, while not striving for perfection.
•  I'm trying to think of fun things, but all I can think of is maintaining our apartment. Which obviously needs to be done. In addition to the regular cleaning, I do want to put more focus on getting more organized.

Oh hell, this already sounds boring. How am I going to be fulfilled from working out and cleaning???

• I had an idea once about making cards for people like my Aunt Lenora always did. Birthday cards, Mother's Day, that kind of thing. I could try that. There are a couple of concerns though. It costs money, I'd have to have somewhere to make and store the cards (our apartment really is that tiny), and what if it just turned into another thing to stress about?
• Someday I'd like to try photography again. I'm just not sure I have the time or energy for it right now. 
• I've been thinking about seeing if I can still play the flute. Obviously I would need to re-teach myself most of it. But that might be nice, especially with Jesse's love of music. 
• Making friends would be nice... but it seems to be nearly impossible. I'm not sure I'm ready to tackle that quite yet. 
• And then trying to blog -- I mean journal. For me, not for anyone else. 

Well, there are a few ideas. I hope writing them out will help me be more proactive about actually trying to do them more than once or twice. But I'm also not going to beat myself up about it if progress is slow. 

I do kind of feel better already, laying it all out like this. 

love,

lisapink