I Want to Love Me Because You Love Me and I Love You.

Blogging. It sounds great in concept for those who love to write, but so often it turns out so... not completed. I've made a decision. I'm done blogging. And I'm going to start blogging... for me. In other words, I'm going to turn my blog into a journal. Because at this point in my life, I think its something I need badly. And I think its easier to write for yourself than for others. So I'm not going to worry about how it sounds or how clever I am. I'm going to write what I feel. This may mean that my blog becomes private, at least partially so. This may mean that this is the last public post. Or maybe I'll just post what I want not worry about what anyone thinks or if people are reading or if they're not reading it. I guess I'll see.

Jesse and I married a little over four months ago. Married life for us didn't come with the big changes and struggles it seems to come with for most newlyweds. Basically, our life together has been just as wonderful as ever. He and I seem to have a relationship that is focused purely on our love for each other. And nothing can change or enhance that, not even a beautiful ceremony and the joy of being able to introduce him as my husband. I loved him before we married, and I love him now.

But I am less in love with myself. Over the past year, I've had some struggles that have eaten away at my personal happiness. I've let myself become dejected, unhappy, and anxious. I've allowed myself to slip back into thought pattern habits that I thought I worked myself out of years ago. As much as I desperately want to blame this on circumstances beyond my control, I've realized that its simply a matter of letting myself lose sight of who I  am and how I want to live.

Who am I? I am strong, confident, and beautiful. How do I want to live? Like I believe those things. Like I love myself as much as I love the great man I married and the many awesome things that I have going for me in my life. I want my husband to be proud of me for being proud of myself.

I think journaling will be a good path to help me accomplish this. Its something I did intensively all through high school, and at times it was the only thing keeping me sane. Looking back now, I can see what a richly introspective experience this was. And I think I need a little introspection. I need it to help me to realize that though I've been hurt by others, its time to take responsibility for own reactions to life. I need it to help me remember that I was, at one time in my life, a very confident and self-satisfied person. I can be that person again, I think. It'll take some time, and it may be be a little painful, but I think I can find those things in me again.

I want more areas of my life to be as bright as my marriage.

love,
lisapink

Guilt

Guilt. Aaargh. I am the QUEEN of self-guilt trips. I feel guilty about everything. Despite reminding myself (and having sweetiepie remind me) that its really okay, not a big deal, I'm doing the best I can --- I still like guilt trips. My most recent excursions:

Guilt Trip Numero Uno: $300

This is the amount I spent. On clothes. In one night. GUILT. Its a rare, rare, thing that I spluge. I am {generally} obsessed with saving money for mine and Jesse's cute future together. But every three or four months, I get an urge for new clothes... and this time I decided to buy quality jeans that will hopefully last awhile.

they. are. gorgeous. 

Or if not gorgeous, they certainly help me feel better about myself. And really, isn't that worth $300?? That's a pretty good justification, right!? Jesse also added his own justification for me, because he's sweet like that. He told me that I deserved it because I work longer hours at a (slightly) higher pay. That justification I should take advantage of while its still true! Since our goals involve him establishing a solid career so I can spend some time at home with our future babies, I'm sure the time will come where I'm adding little to our income. 

Guilt Trip Numero Dos: Babies

Speaking of babies... My sister showed me a path to another guilt trip I could throw myself into by reminding me I really need to visit my nieces/nephews more. She's right. Especially since

I adore this cutie patootie!

they. are. so. cute. 

And also because I love them so so so much. But despite her only living 25 minutes away (she thinks its 15. google disagrees. also, that's 50 minutes round trip), there really doesn't seem to be time to do so. Certainly not after an 8 hour (give or give a couple hours). And then weekends! Bah. Weekends are for catching up on all the sleep, cleaning, grocery shopping, bill-paying, and more work you didn't get to during the week. 

And as much as I miss them... sometimes its hard to get those cute little hugs and kisses... when it'll be years before I have little ones of my own to cuddle and kiss. Not that I want to rush that. I definitely know I'm not ready yet to dedicate 100% of my life to a sweet little child. But I know I will be ready, and I know that it will be 100% worth it. I just have to be patient...

Guilt Trip Numero Tres: Walks

For over two weeks, Jesse and I took walk/jogs around the neighborhood 3-4 times a week. I would put on my running shoes, tell myself YOU. CAN. DO. THIS. and be off like a turtle on wheels. And then *poof* motivation GONE. Its Thursday and I haven't gone once. Not once! Gah. What a disappointment. I suppose I just need to jump back in. 

I'll do that tomorrow. 

love,

lisapink

P.S. the word "guilt" looks so weird now... 

Decision #1

The barrage of wedding choices have begun, and I have officially made my first decision: WEDDING COLORS!

Pink and teal! Black will also make an appearance (my bridesmaid dresses will definitely be black), with perhaps an accent of silver.

Unless I change my mind. Which is a definite possibility. But I have a good feeling about this. I always knew there would be pink (quite obviously) but the teal is a nice addition. Also I'm only 80% sure about the shade of pink shown above (called watermelon for some ridiculous reason; watermelon is red). But that's a detail that can be worked out later.

I also started on a fabulous site called Pinterest shown to me by my sister (visit her blog, Confessions of a Slacker Mom). Its a site people can "pin" sites/images they absolutely love, and others can repin on their own boards. I think its going to be fantastic as I plan my wedding. Whenever I stumble across an interesting idea/venue/photographer/cake/theme/anythingweddingrelated, I'll be able to throw it on my wedding pin board and relate back to that website later. Much easier than trying to keep track of the photos or websites individually!

In addition to my wedding pin board, I also created an "inspiration" pin board. I spent a lot of time tonight throwing cute, inspirational, feel-good quotes on there. Its fantastic! Eventually I want to have a real inspiration wall in my room as a daily reminder that life is good, I am strong and beautiful, and with love I can do anything. I've struggled with a healthy self-esteem since I was a teen. And while its better than it has been in years, I know it could still use some improving. Focusing on the positive in life and in myself makes a tangible difference to my days and my overall well-being. To do that, I often have to compliment myself extravagantly. Ha ha. Its kind of weird and vain sounding, but you know what? Why not fully admit the good qualities you do have? Modesty is good and all, but realizing your true worth is infinitely better. Also, telling myself I'm a good, kind, beautiful person actually helps me be more of a good, kind, beautiful person. So really, I think all the self-flattery is justifiable.

Seriously though. It is. Especially since women in general have a serious tendency to focus on flaws. And life is too short to waste on worries and flaws. Love yourself, and you'll love life. 

Okay enough preaching! The rest of my day wasn't too eventful. Jesse worked, so I spent a lazy day reading and napping. I did attempt to go out and take some photos (I haven't done that in far too long!) but couldn't find anything that really struck my creative side. Although I did seriously consider climbing a fence to a fantastic-looking abandoned building... :)

Oh! And tonight Jesse and I took an "are you ready for marriage?" questionnaire that was actually put together by BYU. Our LDS families should be pleased to know that according to their study, YES, we are ready! We both reported good communication skills and high level of relationship satisfaction. Which didn't come as any surprise. But it was fun anyway!

love,
lisapink