Pocket Opinions

Lately I've been experiencing a type of insecurity that is rare for me: feeling like people think I'm stupid. Maybe its not as much an insecurity as a anger. Because I don't think I'm stupid. Or I'm too stupid to realize it. But I feel that I get treated like I'm stupid more often than I feel is fair. And it really pisses me off.

Its more than obvious that I have a lot of opinions about a lot of different things. In fact, there are probably few topics that someone could mention that I could just say, meh, to.

I'm also -- for the most part -- not afraid to share my opinion. Okay, that's not true. Sharing my opinion is terrifying. Every time I consciously decide to share my opinion, my chest gets tight and my shoulders tense up. Honestly, it feels like preparing for battle. But I'm also not willing to stay silent, because my opinions are not some slapdash bullshit that spills off my tongue. I read a lot -- books, news articles, wikipedia, other people's opinions. I look things up just to learn more about them. I refer to Google as my God -- the closest I'll ever come to a omniscient being -- and probably cares about me just as much as any other god (maybe more -- Google did send me a Christmas present). I don't know everything. I do believe that all my reading has helped me to become a more logically inclined person. In fact, I think I often cling to logic because its so much safer and more comforting than the tumultuous emotions that are inherent in my personality.

I enjoy a good debate. Not an argument. Not a "well so-and-so said this so its true" match. A genuine, unbiased debate where the information presented is backed up by facts, not feelings. I'm willing to listen, consider, and research other opinion's presented. I'm willing to concede when I can see part of my argument isn't logically sound. And I expect others to have the same willingness. This is where things get ugly.

Sometimes other people expect me to submit to their opinion willingly, no matter how unfounded, no matter what my thoughts are on the subject. Sometimes other people seem to think that because I am expressing my opinion, I am obstinate, unpleasant, rude, "always wanting to get my way" and honestly -- I am treated as the quintessential "Bitch" that anti-feminists love to hate. I definitely feel that if I were a man, I would have much less push back. Even from other women. Sometimes especially other women. As I woman, I am always expected to be the one to "drop it" first. I have too much pride to submit, over and over again, to those telling me to shut up. All I want is to be heard. All I ask is for my voice to be considered. All I want is not to be disrespected. I don't want to be a Bitch.

I believe that I am smart. It is part of the meaning behind my tattoo. It is a quality that I highly value in myself, and in others. I do not appreciate being treated otherwise, with no basis for those judgments.

Why are discussions, debates, viewed so negatively in our culture?

Why do I let these things bother me?

Maybe it does come back to insecurity. I am not insecure about my intelligence, but I am insecure about what people think of me and needing people to like me. I try like hell not to care. But I always do. And all too often I dive for the "security" of doubting anyone likes me at all. The only thing I can think of to do is "prove" whatever point I'm making -- after all, if I'm right you can't dislike me for the truth -- or so the idealist part of me says. Unfortunately, reality bites ass.

dear mom... listen

I heard you are coming to Utah this weekend. I feel I am ready to meet with you and share in person some of my thoughts and feelings in regards to our relationship. If you have time, we could meet at Kneaders for about an hour to talk. It may be difficult to believe, but I do love you and I do want a relationship with you. But I don't want the relationship we've had in the past. I want one where I can be vulnerable, where I can share myself with you without fear. This is a big stepping stone for me, and what I will ask of you when we meet is to simply listen. I want to meet with my mother and find out what I would like to say to her in person. I have no intention of arguing with you or yelling at you. I would like the opportunity to share with you -- my mother -- where my heart is, where my head is, what I have been feeling these past many months. I would like to give you the opportunity to find out as well. To listen to me, to hear me, to understand me. That's all I ask of you right now. Just listen. Come see me. Give me a hug. Listen to what I have to say. And later, after you've had time to think it all over, we can discuss it more via email or something. You just listening to me, letting me share, will do more to show that your love is real and unconditional, than any other thing could right now.

Please let me know if you are interested and when you may be available to meet up. Thanks.

The reason I finally feel ready to simply have a conversation with her is that I have had a realization that is a game changer for me. For years, I've been begging her to accept me, to love me despite all she sees is flawed in me, to stop thinking of me as a "sinner" or misguided. I've been trying to change the fact that on a very real level, my mother sees herself as better than me. But the more I try to convince her to see me as an equal, the more I cement my place as inferior. That is over now. Now -- I am going to accept that she sees me as inferior. Because the truth is, I see her as inferior. Her behavior is often judgmental, manipulative, selfish. She belongs to a religion that is based on lies, intolerance, sexism. She staunchly defends her own faith as the "one true religion," discounting every other person's beliefs, morals, life choices. To me, these are morally corrupt behaviors. It is wrong to put any of your own personal beliefs on another person. It is wrong to try to tell anyone that there is only one right way to live your life. To me, the only moral code that needs to be followed is "don't be an asshole." And I do my best to follow that: not because I'm fearful of punishment or hopeful of reward by some omnipotent being, but because I believe all people deserve not to be treated like an asshole (kinda unless they are being an asshole to someone else). So I do believe that I am morally superior to my mother. And I still love her. Obviously its because I'm such a great person (ha ha). But seriously - I understand that my mother believes and feels differently than me, but she is still my mother. She still raised me. And I still love her. Because I truly can put those differences aside and focus on her as a person, on our relationship. And that's all I need her to do. I need her to recognize that both of us must set aside our moral differences in order to have a relationship. It isn't just her that feels the other's life would be improved if only they listened to us. Its both of us. That is what makes us equals. Our acceptance of each other is what will allow us to truly love one another. 


love,
lisapink

Fail

I can't. I'm too grumpy. I don't know if it's post holiday let down or just the fact that I have a million things I should do before going back to work tomorrow but I am so depressed. I don't want to get out of bed or move or do anything. I don't even want to do anything fun like go to a movie or color. Everything seems awful. I'm awful. Intense self loathing at my lack of doing things. Which is more depressing. Which makes me want to do things less.

I try, most the time. I push and push and fight and fight to get through each day. And then once and awhile I just.... Lose the fight. I am defeated.

And I'm letting Jesse down. And that's all he sees. How unfair I'm being. How I'm breaking promises to him. And I know that. But he doesn't see that I don't want to. I don't want any of this.

It's suffocating. All of it. I feel like because I fight, because I'm able to have good days, good weeks, the more punished I am for having bad days. The more it's seen as choosing to be irresponsible, to be lazy, to be selfish. I don't choose this. I blame myself for it. I hate myself for it more than anyone else could.

Please just go away.

love, 

lisapink