let me out - let me be

I'm hiding in plain sight.

I pull everything I can from my heart. It will never be enough.

I'm still not capable of being truly vulnerable. I won't risk it, no matter how desperate I am to try. It isn't fair to those around me. I pride myself on authenticity, and yet - my lies may be the deepest of all. To my own self-sabotage, I tragically believe my own pretense.

Fuck. Even here I'm being pretentious, analyzing each word for things like "beauty" and "truth."

Fuck that.

I suck at being a friend. Then I get angry that people don't want to be my friend. I'm selfish, egocentric. Narcissistic. Vain. That's the point of this entire blog, right? To talk about how deeply awesome I am? I'm so intelligent and beautiful and funny - of course people would want to be in my life. But is it true? I can be loyal. I practically shit loyalty: I'll do anything to make someone happy, to support them, to fight for them. And then I resent them because I never give them a chance to do the same for me. What kind of fuck up does that make me. What a bitch.

I am a bitch. But goddamn it, at least I have SPICE. I want to get out there and experience REALITY. I refuse to walk any line. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want to get drunk and sleep around and spill my guts to anyone who wants to listen and make dumbass mistakes that I regret immediately. I want the Party Life.

That's one side of me. The other craves stability and responsibility and safety.

Then there's fiery Lisa. The one who wants to take down the fucking patriarchal, bigoted society we live in. Are you sitting there in your comfy middle-class house with your first world problems judging the fuck out of anyone who isn't exactly like you? Then you deserve a bitch-slap from this girl right here.

But really, all there is is wittle wisa: scared and hurt and vulnerable and afraid and desperate - SO FUCKING DESPERATE - to be loved.

Sometimes I think the only thing I believe in is sex. But even that can be lies.

Its not so easy when you don't have a god to fall back on. There's no standardized answers you can pull out and decide to trust. And I was never taught another way. I'm trying to learn - I think I have learned - and then I'm back at the start.

Thus the self-obsessed blog and the therapy sessions. I hope I can get in to my therapist this week. This post makes me think I may need it asap.

My biggest fear is that no one thinks of me at all.



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Jesse and I just had this long conversation - over FB chat while we are both sitting on the couch because I'm neurotic like that --- about polyamory. I love him.


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love,
lisapink

sexsexsexsexsexsex

nsfw.
not suitable for work.
not suitable for anyone who would feel uncomfortable knowing SUPER intimate details about my life.


I'm lisapink. I'm passionate. About life, about love, about sex. lisapink. I know its cheesy. But it feels me. Lisapink is a color, did you know that? Or at least it can be. When I was young -- maybe ten or so -- I happened across a bottle of acrylic paint and the color was named lisapink. I fell in love. Prior to that I had "hated" pink: it was too "girly" and I didn't want to be a sterotypical anything. But this was ME. And then when you put it with black -- it is literally the color combination that describes me. Its strong as fuck. Its feminine. Its loving but also mysterious and badass. Its sexy and sweet and cool and happy and sad and basically not your average color combo. I'm not your average person.

I'm bisexual. Because oh my GOD sex is amazing. Sexuality is amazing. That feeling? You know the one. Its a moment of complete oneness with -- ironically -- yourself. But it is intimate. Not so much in the moment (or is that just me?) but after, I mean you're like -- wow. I just experienced this oneness with myself, and you were there! And you were experiencing the same oneness with yourself! That is so fucking intimate. Two people, just literally being... one... with themselves... together...

Okay. So yes, sex is awesome.

Jesse is too. He's really made me feel safe and secure in my sexuality. He's very supportive. We're both very open with our sexuality, both with each other and personally. There aren't secrets. He watches porn (if you ever say to me that porn kills love I'll punch you in the face). I masturbate to super random shit and he encourages me even though I won't have sex on the same day I masturbate (recently I may have experienced a second orgasm in one session... I'm not even sure, its so rare for me -- usually once I orgasm, there is no sexy-stuff in the following 24 hours).

Okay I keep trying to get to the point. Anyway, I like our sex life. We keep it fun, we keep it interesting. Jesse is a sexy man (I'm serious). But I would also like to have fun with a sexy woman. I started fantasizing about women when I was 16 or 17. I don't know if that's "old" or whatever. But its the truth. Weirdly they always wore jeans and no shirt. Boobs. But I digress. Well, not really. Because boobs.

I've kissed six girls. All of those are within the last four months (wow, I'm a slut [and its awesome]). Starting with a few days after I came out as bisexual. I've now made out with as many women as I have men - three each. And with one lady it went further than that. Not... far. But. God. It was amazing. I think some of it may be that, as a woman, its pretty easy to just let men lust after you and enjoy that and its sexy! But this was different. I was the one lusting. And it was so new! I can't even. I literally can't even. It was fun. And then there was this moment at the end... I was tired, drunk, happy... and I laid my head down on her chest and closed my eyes...

You know what my most recent fantasy is? Cuddling. Jesse is like, an olympian of cuddling.Its my cocaine. Lately I've had this nearly physical pull of cuddling with Jesse... and a woman.... at the same time. Yes, sex would be awesome. But even the closeness of a soft, caressing, boobie woman.... mmm. Okay. Yes. I'm bisexual. And I also crave physical intimacy (to get serious for a second, I think I trust physical intimacy more than emotional intimacy - its easier to trust a physical expression of desire rather than words - especially when words can contradict actions).

I am incredibly drunk right now. I could wait and review this tomorrow. Fuck it, I'm publishing.


love,
lisapink

Psychiatric Help 5¢ - The Doctor Is In

I had my first visit with a new therapist recently. I have tried therapy several times over the years, with little success. I'm at a place in my life now where I could be happy, but I first need to address the lifelong emotional damage I've been burying beneath the surface.

I never felt quite comfortable opening up to therapists; I didn't know where to start and how they could help me sort out my life. One visit with my new therapist and I realize: it isn't my job to know those things. That's their job. Its enough that I know I need help: they have to find out the best way to do that.

I won't lie: the thing I liked most about this guy (a guy! I've only ever tried female therapists before) is that he's ex-mormon. Separating myself from this religion is a process that's taken me ten years, and only in the last two have I found the path out. Someday I'll write about my process, but for now, I'll say that the path I found was the simplest of all: embracing truth. Unfortunately, while I can take myself out of Mormonism, I can't take the Mormonism out of my life. It was my upbringing. It was the foundation of my family. It is the culture I live in. It influences every relationship I can possibly have at this time. And it is largely due to Mormonism that I have the emotional baggage that I do. So being able to talk to someone who can not only understand but has lived through a similar life change will be immeasurably helpful.

But there's more to it than that. The thing I liked about this guy was that he was so direct, very solution driven, and not afraid to call me out when it was necessary. From the moment I walked in his office, he made it clear that it was his job to help me get to a better place in life, and he wasn't going to let anything - even my own fear - stop him. I had Jesse with me at that first appointment, for emotional support, and the therapist straight said that while he did want to hear from Jesse, I didn't need to be scared: therapy dude is great at his job and is going to be able to help me.

I was telling him that, due to my fears/struggles in life, I felt that I had a hard time making friends. I told him that I felt like I was always reaching out to people and really trying, but that no one ever tried back and/or ended up abandoning me. He validated my feelings, but then asked me if I was really reaching out, or if I just expected to be abandoned and so kept an emotional distance and eventually separated myself before I could get hurt. It really struck home. Its easy to blame others, but I need to take accountability for my own emotional sabotage. And I need someone who isn't afraid to tell me so. I don't need to be coddled, I need to be told what areas I can take charge of to help myself.

So I'm feeling hopeful. Just even that one session left me feeling like maybe I wasn't entirely alone, like maybe my life doesn't have to be dictated by the emotional mess inside me. My next session isn't for a few weeks, but after that I have weekly appointments set up.

I really, really, really want to get better. I want to get off medication (eventually), I want to heal, I want create a life I love. I want to stop isolating myself.

P.S. Jesse is so supportive and amazing and I am so lucky to have him.

P.P.S. The insurance through my work covers mental health care at 100%, which is like, the coolest fucking thing ever.

P.P.P.S. I also have a really great physician who referred me to this therapist about hearing a little about my family/religious conflict. It really feels like everything is lining up just perfectly. If I believed in a higher power, all I'd have to say right now is Allahu Akbar!