I had my first visit with a new therapist recently. I have tried therapy several times over the years, with little success. I'm at a place in my life now where I could be happy, but I first need to address the lifelong emotional damage I've been burying beneath the surface.
I never felt quite comfortable opening up to therapists; I didn't know where to start and how they could help me sort out my life. One visit with my new therapist and I realize: it isn't my job to know those things. That's their job. Its enough that I know I need help: they have to find out the best way to do that.
I won't lie: the thing I liked most about this guy (a guy! I've only ever tried female therapists before) is that he's ex-mormon. Separating myself from this religion is a process that's taken me ten years, and only in the last two have I found the path out. Someday I'll write about my process, but for now, I'll say that the path I found was the simplest of all: embracing truth. Unfortunately, while I can take myself out of Mormonism, I can't take the Mormonism out of my life. It was my upbringing. It was the foundation of my family. It is the culture I live in. It influences every relationship I can possibly have at this time. And it is largely due to Mormonism that I have the emotional baggage that I do. So being able to talk to someone who can not only understand but has lived through a similar life change will be immeasurably helpful.
But there's more to it than that. The thing I liked about this guy was that he was so direct, very solution driven, and not afraid to call me out when it was necessary. From the moment I walked in his office, he made it clear that it was his job to help me get to a better place in life, and he wasn't going to let anything - even my own fear - stop him. I had Jesse with me at that first appointment, for emotional support, and the therapist straight said that while he did want to hear from Jesse, I didn't need to be scared: therapy dude is great at his job and is going to be able to help me.
I was telling him that, due to my fears/struggles in life, I felt that I had a hard time making friends. I told him that I felt like I was always reaching out to people and really trying, but that no one ever tried back and/or ended up abandoning me. He validated my feelings, but then asked me if I was really reaching out, or if I just expected to be abandoned and so kept an emotional distance and eventually separated myself before I could get hurt. It really struck home. Its easy to blame others, but I need to take accountability for my own emotional sabotage. And I need someone who isn't afraid to tell me so. I don't need to be coddled, I need to be told what areas I can take charge of to help myself.
So I'm feeling hopeful. Just even that one session left me feeling like maybe I wasn't entirely alone, like maybe my life doesn't have to be dictated by the emotional mess inside me. My next session isn't for a few weeks, but after that I have weekly appointments set up.
I really, really, really want to get better. I want to get off medication (eventually), I want to heal, I want create a life I love. I want to stop isolating myself.
P.S. Jesse is so supportive and amazing and I am so lucky to have him.
P.P.S. The insurance through my work covers mental health care at 100%, which is like, the coolest fucking thing ever.
P.P.P.S. I also have a really great physician who referred me to this therapist about hearing a little about my family/religious conflict. It really feels like everything is lining up just perfectly. If I believed in a higher power, all I'd have to say right now is Allahu Akbar!
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