let me out - let me be

I'm hiding in plain sight.

I pull everything I can from my heart. It will never be enough.

I'm still not capable of being truly vulnerable. I won't risk it, no matter how desperate I am to try. It isn't fair to those around me. I pride myself on authenticity, and yet - my lies may be the deepest of all. To my own self-sabotage, I tragically believe my own pretense.

Fuck. Even here I'm being pretentious, analyzing each word for things like "beauty" and "truth."

Fuck that.

I suck at being a friend. Then I get angry that people don't want to be my friend. I'm selfish, egocentric. Narcissistic. Vain. That's the point of this entire blog, right? To talk about how deeply awesome I am? I'm so intelligent and beautiful and funny - of course people would want to be in my life. But is it true? I can be loyal. I practically shit loyalty: I'll do anything to make someone happy, to support them, to fight for them. And then I resent them because I never give them a chance to do the same for me. What kind of fuck up does that make me. What a bitch.

I am a bitch. But goddamn it, at least I have SPICE. I want to get out there and experience REALITY. I refuse to walk any line. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want to get drunk and sleep around and spill my guts to anyone who wants to listen and make dumbass mistakes that I regret immediately. I want the Party Life.

That's one side of me. The other craves stability and responsibility and safety.

Then there's fiery Lisa. The one who wants to take down the fucking patriarchal, bigoted society we live in. Are you sitting there in your comfy middle-class house with your first world problems judging the fuck out of anyone who isn't exactly like you? Then you deserve a bitch-slap from this girl right here.

But really, all there is is wittle wisa: scared and hurt and vulnerable and afraid and desperate - SO FUCKING DESPERATE - to be loved.

Sometimes I think the only thing I believe in is sex. But even that can be lies.

Its not so easy when you don't have a god to fall back on. There's no standardized answers you can pull out and decide to trust. And I was never taught another way. I'm trying to learn - I think I have learned - and then I'm back at the start.

Thus the self-obsessed blog and the therapy sessions. I hope I can get in to my therapist this week. This post makes me think I may need it asap.

My biggest fear is that no one thinks of me at all.



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Jesse and I just had this long conversation - over FB chat while we are both sitting on the couch because I'm neurotic like that --- about polyamory. I love him.


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love,
lisapink