whatever it is that i am

You love me. Real or not real?

I've mentioned how you can never know another person's truth. Sometimes you don't even know your own truth.

We are so much luckier than most. We don't have to be afraid. Our days are filled with relative safety, comfort. There are no terrorist attacks in Logan, Utah. I will never live with war. There is no enemy coming for me, for you. Yet... There is pain. There is suffering. We, who live in luxury, attack each other in personal and viscous ways. In mass shootings. In abuse. In gossip, in judgement, in exclusion. In telling our own stories instead of hearing another's. In being too insecure to allow ourselves to feel empathy. In forgetting to say I love you or show we care. I don't think any of us are innocent.

I've been told that I have a good heart. I've been told that having a good heart means always showing love, even when we don't feel love it return. I've been told -- ironically, by someone who doesn't believe in Jesus -- to turn the other cheek. I don't know if my heart is that good. I'm definitely not innocent. I have burned bridges, given up on relationships that could have been saved. Maybe I've hurt people. I don't know. The fact that I don't know says a lot, I think. I do know that I'm not always sure how to tell what's real or not. I can't trust what I see to be real. All I can trust is the fear. I have a shadow in me, creating doubt and despair. Sometimes I can blame it on certain factors in my life. The religion that scarred me. The family that rejected me. The friendships that faded. But I think the truth is that it has always been there. I've always had intense emotions: joy, indignation, spirituality, protectiveness, wonder, love. Its almost as if they all come from this same shadow. Moments in my life can be overwhelmed by it. I drown in the darkness, the sweet deep well of emotion. I can't breathe. I can't live without it. 

I have a lot of fictional or celebrity heros. I know they aren't real; I guess why its easier to connect with them. Katniss doesn't trust anyone. Until, she does. Until she lets them in, and then she loves them with a fearless fierceness that strikes me to the core. I want to believe that can be real. I want to let in the goodness of others into my heart. I want to pour the goodness I have into others. Yet I feel that opened myself up to cruelness instead. And maybe I deserve it, because I've been cruel in return. So now I've shut down. I've withdrawn into my shadows, and now I feel as though there is no escape.  Where would I even start? 

I think my heart is not as good as it seems. If it were, I could overcome this. I could continue to give goodness to all those around me. 

The worst part is... if having a good heart means being good to those who have been cruel... I don't know if I want to be good. 

love,

lisapink