back to the start

I'm tired. I read my post from a year and a half ago. So much has changed, and yet nothing has. I feel overwhelmed by emotions. Not surprising, since I never learned how to handle things like an adult. I only know how to handle things by crying or yelling or being depressed. And I don't want to do that any more. I want to grow up. I want to be in control of my emotions. And as nice as it is, I don't want to be babied anymore. I need to take pride in myself as a woman. Jesse says that I need to have more private time to focus on myself, and he's probably right. Putting my thoughts down will help, if I can ever find the time and motivation to do it. This is a start. I'll try again when I'm ready. I'll love myself for what I'm able to accomplish.

love,
lisapink

Sources

Last night I was tossing and turning in bed, and as usual was having a hard time falling asleep. But last night I couldn't stop thinking how apathetic I've become about life... The last six months have been hard on me, and I've gradually lost or lost sight of many things that used to be sources of happiness for me. But I haven't let myself think about them as a whole, and so I haven't been able to be proactive in finding new sources of happiness. I've just been drifting along, pushing away the feelings, focusing on the day-to-day getting by, without exploring the emotions that are driving me. I used to be very introspective, and very determined to embrace self-evolution. I used to feel empowered by my own strength. Now, in an effort to evade a feeling of defeat, I feel nothing.

Sources of Happiness:

• I am married to a wonderful and loving man. We have a solid relationship built on mutual love, respect, desire, and  we sincerely want the best for each other.
• I have a well-paying job that allows Jesse to attend school, and allows us all the basic comforts of life: a nice (if small) apartment, a decent car, entertainment, and the ability to build savings for a bigger apartment and other comforts.
• I know Jesse and I are currently working towards our future. He's finishing up his associates degree, and will then just need a couple more years of schooling before he should be able to find a steady career. Once that happens, I can quit my job and we can start our family! I am so excited to be a mother.

Sources of Unhappiness:

• My job has become a stressful and frequently unhappy environment for me. I often feel unappreciated and even unwanted. After over three years of hard work and dedication, I feel like I'm no longer viewed as an asset. This is especially frustrating to me because I KNOW that while I am not perfect, I honestly am (no vanity here) one of the most important members of their staff. I am the one who always has and still does hold everything together.
• I know we are being responsible, but the longer we wait to start a family the harder it is on me. I want to be a mother. I want to raise our children. I see my nieces and nephews, and as much as I love them and they love me, I know its not the same.
• I've lost several friends and acquaintances over the years. Sometimes its due to "irreconcilable differences," sometimes I just feel like the relationship is too one sided (they want to be friends for what they can get out of it), and most recently due to Abbey causing drama around my wedding.
• I feel unable to connect with old friends, and unable to create new friends (including lack of opportunity and fear of being hurt, and possibly just some issues opening up to people? Who knows what that's about.).
• I think the real problem here is that I don't have friends, I no longer get satisfaction from my job, and I don't have the "fulfillment/purpose" that I feel would come from a child. So basically, I don't feel like I HAVE a purpose. And I don't mean a metaphorical "purpose in life" kinda thing... I just mean that I go home from a unsatisfying day at work, I eat dinner with my husband, and then... nothing. I don't have any real hobbies or anything to direct my mind to. Maybe part of it is that since Jesse is going to school, he is busy working on homework while I have nothing to work towards.

So what do I do? What can I do? I don't want to drift along anymore.

Possible Sources of Fulfillment

• Being physically active: Jesse and I need to start going to the gym regularly. No more excuses. But in addition to that, especially since what I need more than anything is to be proactive on my own, I'm asking for a Wii Fit Plus for Christmas (okay I actually picked it up today...). I know it won't replace the gym, but I think I should try to use it for at least 15-20 minutes a day. That's 20 minutes less I'm spending on the couch, and hopefully it'll get me into a habit of being physically active every day, which can then translate to working out more seriously and frequently. This is something that has a purpose, something that I can work towards. By the way, while I do need to lose weight, I don't feel comfortable making that my "goal." Mostly because that is overwhelming and therefore stressful and therefore will make me depressed. I also don't want to focus on losing weight because I tend to internalize that as "not pretty/needing to be perfect." So really my goal is a two-parter: having a positive self-image and being more physically healthy, while not striving for perfection.
•  I'm trying to think of fun things, but all I can think of is maintaining our apartment. Which obviously needs to be done. In addition to the regular cleaning, I do want to put more focus on getting more organized.

Oh hell, this already sounds boring. How am I going to be fulfilled from working out and cleaning???

• I had an idea once about making cards for people like my Aunt Lenora always did. Birthday cards, Mother's Day, that kind of thing. I could try that. There are a couple of concerns though. It costs money, I'd have to have somewhere to make and store the cards (our apartment really is that tiny), and what if it just turned into another thing to stress about?
• Someday I'd like to try photography again. I'm just not sure I have the time or energy for it right now. 
• I've been thinking about seeing if I can still play the flute. Obviously I would need to re-teach myself most of it. But that might be nice, especially with Jesse's love of music. 
• Making friends would be nice... but it seems to be nearly impossible. I'm not sure I'm ready to tackle that quite yet. 
• And then trying to blog -- I mean journal. For me, not for anyone else. 

Well, there are a few ideas. I hope writing them out will help me be more proactive about actually trying to do them more than once or twice. But I'm also not going to beat myself up about it if progress is slow. 

I do kind of feel better already, laying it all out like this. 

love,

lisapink

I Want to Love Me Because You Love Me and I Love You.

Blogging. It sounds great in concept for those who love to write, but so often it turns out so... not completed. I've made a decision. I'm done blogging. And I'm going to start blogging... for me. In other words, I'm going to turn my blog into a journal. Because at this point in my life, I think its something I need badly. And I think its easier to write for yourself than for others. So I'm not going to worry about how it sounds or how clever I am. I'm going to write what I feel. This may mean that my blog becomes private, at least partially so. This may mean that this is the last public post. Or maybe I'll just post what I want not worry about what anyone thinks or if people are reading or if they're not reading it. I guess I'll see.

Jesse and I married a little over four months ago. Married life for us didn't come with the big changes and struggles it seems to come with for most newlyweds. Basically, our life together has been just as wonderful as ever. He and I seem to have a relationship that is focused purely on our love for each other. And nothing can change or enhance that, not even a beautiful ceremony and the joy of being able to introduce him as my husband. I loved him before we married, and I love him now.

But I am less in love with myself. Over the past year, I've had some struggles that have eaten away at my personal happiness. I've let myself become dejected, unhappy, and anxious. I've allowed myself to slip back into thought pattern habits that I thought I worked myself out of years ago. As much as I desperately want to blame this on circumstances beyond my control, I've realized that its simply a matter of letting myself lose sight of who I  am and how I want to live.

Who am I? I am strong, confident, and beautiful. How do I want to live? Like I believe those things. Like I love myself as much as I love the great man I married and the many awesome things that I have going for me in my life. I want my husband to be proud of me for being proud of myself.

I think journaling will be a good path to help me accomplish this. Its something I did intensively all through high school, and at times it was the only thing keeping me sane. Looking back now, I can see what a richly introspective experience this was. And I think I need a little introspection. I need it to help me to realize that though I've been hurt by others, its time to take responsibility for own reactions to life. I need it to help me remember that I was, at one time in my life, a very confident and self-satisfied person. I can be that person again, I think. It'll take some time, and it may be be a little painful, but I think I can find those things in me again.

I want more areas of my life to be as bright as my marriage.

love,
lisapink