i dedicate this post

Hey girl - I wanted to take a minute to let you know that I’m gonna miss you. I know we didn’t get a chance to become super close - but it doesn’t matter - you still had a big impact on my life. For the first time in a long time (maybe ever) I met someone who made me feel like I’m unique but I’m not alone, that maybe there are other people out there who would appreciate the things that make me, me.

I admire so much about you!

You’re like fiercest feminist and it's beautiful. You actually care/are aware of politics, and you’ll fight for social equality anywhere, anytime. You’re boldly and wonderfully outspoken. But you’re also sensitive. You truly care about the people in your life, and you aren’t afraid to show it. You get that life isn’t always peaches and roses, and embrace that darker side of emotions. Yet you don’t let it pop your pep. You’ve been through depression, religion, all these things in your life and I can tell that you know you relied on your own strength to get you through. And you love books! Ugh, you are fantastic.

I never got “casual” people. Passive people. The ones who don’t care too much about anything, or would rather not cause “contention,” who wanna keep chat light and simple. The ones who glide through life with their eyes closed to anything but the stuff that feeds their blindness. That’s not you. And it's not me. We’ve got our eyes wide open and are seeing life for all its crazy, painful, goddamn beautiful bullshit.

Good luck, girl. You are going wonderful places.

love,
lisapink

Kathleen Kelly

Too many thoughts to even put in to words. It's actually quite rare for me. I've been feeling hopeless. Is there any reason to believe the future will be any different from the past?

"I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around?" - You've Got Mail

I can't always tell if it's been valuable. How could you measure that? My own measurements always fall short. I've tried to be brave. But I've never managed to be big. I've never lived life fearlessly. And it's the only life I have. Why do I wait to be validated, to have love proven to me, to know the outcome before I leap? I spend so much time worrying, questioning, staying safe within my fear. Isn't that what I fought to break free of?

I want to let go of everything keeping me in my smallness. Yet somehow it doesn't feel possible. Not all ties are our own making.

Ignore this last bit.

love,
lisapink

The numbers scroll by in a familiar, comforting wave. Ten days, complete the Registration. Two months, end friendship with Gresham. One year, forty-six days, meet Turi. One year, eighty-five days, fall in love with Turi. Four years from now, we will be mothers as I lead the Xontinuum into its next era of knowledge. The Past. The Numbers show there is no longer wishes and longings; all will be fulfilled and all will be best. I smile and close my eyes. Then a tug of the lips downward. I can't explain it. The area beneath my breastbone has that off feeling again, as if something in there has been reduced. I think of Turi and its almost as if one year won't be soon enough. As if it'll be.... Too late? It doesn't make sense and I grasp my Adhesion tighter to my chest. There's no such thing as too late when I have my entire future written out in my hands, down to the second. Life is always on time.

I didn't tell you so

My mom is moving back to Utah. With my dad and their adopted kid obvs. I just forget to mention them sometimes.

It's been barely six months. Apparently abandoning your entire family for some random ass city isn't the path to true happiness.

Mixed feelings. I just want a normal life with a normal mom but I guess it's too much to ask for.

My therapist said I can't say I told you so but I'm saying it here.

Still
Moving back doesn't erase the emotional trauma she caused.

God. There are so few people in this world I can count on. And lately I've been too fucked up in the head to even appreciate. All I can see is what I don't have.

love,
lisapink