wonder

Austin is like, what if Mormonism never fucking existed in my life? '

But it did. It so fucking did.

God its 3 a.m. and Jesse's (hopefully) asleep and I am so fucking drunk. And happy.

I think I did good at socializing tonight. I made people laugh. I've told Jesse I have a "reactionary" humor, aka I can make people laugh by inserting jokes into the conversation (not necessarily being funny organically).

A long, long time ago I wrote a blog post about polyamory. And I inspired a certain person, whom now lives a polyamorous life that from the outside at least, I can only dream of. But do I dream of it? Am I more monogamous than I once fantasized? My Family. Its funny; that phrase has several different meanings to me now.

My "Little" Family: Jesse, myself, and Lincoln. Honestly, though we've been married almost six years, I can't imagine ourselves as a family without Lincoln. He is our baby. Without him, we are just two individuals committed to each other. But with him, we're a family. We love each other and take care of each other and understand each other.

My family. I miss my family. Mostly this refers to my sister (whom we lived with for two-ish years and I became very close to) and her husband and children. I miss sitting on their couch. I miss making plans for summer. I miss their dog, Candy (and kind of Marley). I miss babysitting my nieces and nephews who were exasperating and endearing and whom I love so deeply. But other family. Yes, my parents (and adopted sister?), who I keep at an emotional distance yet cannot completely exorcise from my life. And my in-laws, who at varying degrees I wish I was closer to and yet feel frustrated by their lack of understanding. I FB unfriended my aunt-in-law (whom I actually adore), and then her son FB unfriended me. Family is so complicated.

I miss my brother, whom I feel in equal parts admiration of and love for. I also miss his wife, who is just fucking cool. It makes sense, 'cause I always thought he was cool, that he would marry someone amazing. I may not be "close" to them in a traditional sense, of how much time we have spent together and how similar our lives are. But I feel close to them in a sense of how far we have come from our religious upbringing into enjoying our lives in a "worldly" sense. Sometimes, the purest thing in the world is an intoxicated grin next to other in-the-moment smiles.

Tonight I sat on the stairs of our apartment complex, just a couple hours after seeing my first wild armadillo, smelling the fresh rain on the green belt and marveling at the big dipper. There may be fewer stars than Hyde Park, UT --- but the ones that show shine bright. There is no comparison in saying that my favorite thing living in Austin vs Utah is the trees. My first tattoo I ever got was of a tree for a reason. They are life to me. They are everything good and pure and real and ancient and sustaining about this world to me. And there are a thousand times more around me here than I ever saw in Utah. God !(if he/she existed), the trees brings me so much joy.

Sometimes I imagine [platonic] female friendships in which I can rub their back and play with their hair and it not be sexual at all. And then I imagine female friendships in which I also hold their tits in my hands. And I literally cannot figure out if I am craving intimate friendships or sexual relationships. Or is it somewhere between the two? How does one (sexually repressed, friendship-starved) female know?

I am glad I moved to Austin. It has been full of challenges. But it has also been full of amazing experiences. It just goes to prove, it is always better to try than to wonder.

love,
lisapink