goddamn

I wish Utah didn't suck so goddamn much. The conservativeness and fucked up laws, the fucking snow and cold, gray winters, the impenetrable monoculture. I wish I could have Austin's vitality and zest and flavor and still have all the people who mean so much to me, who get me. It's a contradiction and a catch-22.

I feel so at home, and so alone.

I want to go dancing. I want to get so drunk and make friends with strangers at the bar. I want to be wild and free and stop thinking so goddamn much.

I need a job. Not so much financially, though it would definitely be helpful in the long run. But I need a method of deriving satisfaction that doesn't wholly rely on others. And maybe I'm not the most intelligent person, but goddamn can I get a job done right. And that feels good. I just need to find a place where my skills really have a chance to shine, for my worth to be valued appropriately. And I want to meet people and become friends with them based on my own merit.

I want to say more, to put into words these drifting melancholy feelings I have. But I'm too drunk. Not as drunk as I was the other night (I think I was also a little high) when I went in the closet thinking it was the bathroom and had to have Jesse rescue me from a bucket of towels (is it weird to be proud I didn't pee in the bucket?) but I'm a nice sleepy buzzed and really should sleep. Jesse has work in the morning 😂.

I think that's the first time I've ever used an emoji in this blog. Definitely my most common used emoji, so not surprising.

love,
lisapink

P.S. my thoughts are with Scott Hutchison tonight. His lyrics have frequented this blog, and I hope his fate is far different than the one I wished for while quoting him.