when will it get better

We're at nearly ten months of living here, and in some ways, I am lonelier than ever before. The only upside is that I'm fairly accustomed to being lonely. If you can call drinking every night -- even though you don't even want to -- just to be numb to the passage of time -- being accustomed.

 I tend towards black and white thinking, towards extremes and "always" and "nevers." I know that about myself. Yet I can't help but feel that moving to Austin has been as wonderful as it has been terrible. Its both the greatest and worst decision of my life. It has been the biggest adventure and yet such a challenge. Is this the reality? Or just my in-the-moment perception?

Speaking of uncertain realities... I've been clinging to this hope that I would be able to turn my life around, to tip the balance towards being happy, if it weren't for my medication. When I started meds back in 2014, I was doubtful -- they didn't help much in my turmoil filled teens. But I stuck with it, and I had an amazing doctor who worked with me, and after a long process found a balance that really seemed to work. They didn't make my life perfect, of course, but I felt I had a better footing. But after moving, my new doctor sent me back to square one. No, he sent me to about a negative five. I've spent the last three months of my life sleeping, roughly, 12-15 hours a day. Turns out the medication he prescribed has some intense (very well-known) side effects that he failed to mention. But I'm still on them, because no professional who actually knows how to prescribe meds will call me back. And if I don't take them, I just spend 12-15 hours a day crying instead. Maybe a slight exaggeration. But its not pretty.

Its an incredibly suffocating feeling, trying to choose between emotional stability and, you know, being conscious. I want to do things to improve my life. I'm just so goddamn tired.

Even if that weren't holding me back, I'm not sure I would be any better off. I know that I'm not happy with where I'm at in my life. The issue is, I don't know where I want to be in my life. I don't know what I want from my life. I've spent so long focused on taking one it step at a time, and now all the steps have been taken and I'm stumbling on even ground. What next? What do I want? Who do I want to be? Even if I knew what I wanted, would it be attainable? Why do I feel so incomplete?

People. I need people. If three years with Kent taught me anything, its that people are vital to my well-being. And here I am, 1300 miles from home, relatively people-less. Family-less. Loneliness. And I just don't know what to do about it. I feel overwhelmed by the intensity of the need. Powerless to fight it. Terrified to try. Who am I to put that need on others? Who am I to ask them to care about me, my life, my feelings? What do I bring to the table? Do I leave others better off, or do they leave me regretting time they wasted? Is my worthlessness real or imagined? If I can't answer it, why should I expect anyone else to?

love,
lisapink

happy ******* day

I never felt my baby kick.

love,
lisapink

goddamn

I wish Utah didn't suck so goddamn much. The conservativeness and fucked up laws, the fucking snow and cold, gray winters, the impenetrable monoculture. I wish I could have Austin's vitality and zest and flavor and still have all the people who mean so much to me, who get me. It's a contradiction and a catch-22.

I feel so at home, and so alone.

I want to go dancing. I want to get so drunk and make friends with strangers at the bar. I want to be wild and free and stop thinking so goddamn much.

I need a job. Not so much financially, though it would definitely be helpful in the long run. But I need a method of deriving satisfaction that doesn't wholly rely on others. And maybe I'm not the most intelligent person, but goddamn can I get a job done right. And that feels good. I just need to find a place where my skills really have a chance to shine, for my worth to be valued appropriately. And I want to meet people and become friends with them based on my own merit.

I want to say more, to put into words these drifting melancholy feelings I have. But I'm too drunk. Not as drunk as I was the other night (I think I was also a little high) when I went in the closet thinking it was the bathroom and had to have Jesse rescue me from a bucket of towels (is it weird to be proud I didn't pee in the bucket?) but I'm a nice sleepy buzzed and really should sleep. Jesse has work in the morning 😂.

I think that's the first time I've ever used an emoji in this blog. Definitely my most common used emoji, so not surprising.

love,
lisapink

P.S. my thoughts are with Scott Hutchison tonight. His lyrics have frequented this blog, and I hope his fate is far different than the one I wished for while quoting him.