5/23

seven weeks until I'm. twenty.seven. I know it's "not that old." I don't think there's anything wrong my age or getting older. As a humanist/atheist/whateverist, I tend to believe that we should be grateful for every moment we do have on this beautiful earth. I belief each range of the human condition is beautiful - youth, aging, eventual death, probable nothingness. So carpe diem. Twenties are the time of your life, more than any other, to seize the day, to live fully and recklessly and irresponsibly. For the most part, I skipped that in my twenties. From 18, I lived as independently as I could but I had too much baggage, too much fear, too much pride, to live fully. I was trying so hard to prove myself that I forgot to be myself.

Now I'm in my late twenties. I am craving more than ever stability, furniture that wasn't bought off craigslist, a family of my own. a house I live in for more than a year or two. Never before has that stability been so close, so obtainable, and so terrifying. Now I realize all I have yet to experience in life. Now I realize why your twenties are portrayed in media as wild, free, irresponsible - its one of the few times in your life those things are actually possible. Now I realize all the friendships I didn't make, all the people I didn't sleep with, all the late late nights I didn't have, all the concerts I didn't rock out to, all the spontaneous road trips I didn't set out on, hell, all the drugs I didn't try! Now I have obligations, a pain in the ass dogchild, people who count on me, a job I can't easily replace.

I'm not getting any younger and I'm not getting any freer. I don't know how long I'm going to have to enjoy this life, but before I get any more settled and tired and responsible than I already am, I'm going to try, for the first time in my life, being irresponsible.

I'm going to stay out all night. I'm going to party in Vegas, drink too much, celebrate my sexiness, see the (western portion) of the country, scream-sing to live bands, take selfies and use hashtags, ...........  I'm going to spend too much money going on trips, concerts, amazing restaurants, clothes that make me feel great about myself, um, and alcohol.

three months later....

Damn. I wrote this post, feeling hopeful and desperate and inses. And then I went and did the things.

Vegas, concerts, showing up to work on three hours of sleep, maxing out credit cards and paying them back down, wandering San Francisco at one a.m. lost and not even worried, jumping at a new work opportunity even though i was terrified and having it pay off in so many ways, and getting drunk with people I love, people I just met, friends of friends, complete strangers. Dancing and laughing and shameless social media use and sleeping and long long talks and seeing the stars and being brave as fuck.

I fucking did it. And I'll never regret a moment of it.

I'm going to keep doing it. And I'll be scared every step of the way, but damn girl, I'm going die having lived.